there's a buzzing in my head
right between my ears
it's white noise
terror and stress and anxiety
a snowstorm of emotion
bubbling over as i wait
patiently
(not so patiently)
for my life to move on
will i?
won't i?
am i
okay?
it's running down my spine now
placing knots here and there
making my neck tight
and my back rigid
into my stomach it carries on
more knots now
i'm a tangled mess of
negativity
i'm trying
(i'm failing)
five more days
just five more days
then i'll know
five more days
of sleeplessness
of troubled thoughts
of what ifs
and if onlys
and should haves
is my body going to turn against me?
have i made it my enemy?
will i become the very thing i fear:
black
and cancerous
and full of anger and regret?
i do not want this
i do not want this
i do not want this
my new mantra
whispered over and over in the dark of my mind
i do not want this