who am i now?

i've been asked "why are you so emotionless?" "why are you so fearless?" many times this past week.
i feel like it's been an infinite amount of times, i lost count.
truth is, i wasn't always like this.

if you were to ask me about my 12-year-old self, oh, you'd think i was the most living, joyful human being on the planet.
always so cheerful. huge smile. with so much desire to live & energy running through my veins, i'd enlighten a whole new world. i'd create supernovas with my laugh & you'd see galaxies in my eyes. a broad & unlimited imagination, i'd take you to new places & worlds you never thought existed. just by my prescence, i'd create an avalanche & turn nightmares into dreams.

if you were to ask me about my 15-year-old self, oh, you'd know that not much changed. just for one thing: that the 12-year-old girl had died. i then was a little older, a little quiter, a little limited.
i wasn't able to create supernovas anymore or to turn nightmares into dreams. dreams turned my life into a nightmare, & the demons i once thought hid under my bed now lived inside me. my prescence was somewhat felt, but you wouldn't be able to see galaxies in my eyes anymore. the galaxies were eaten out by black holes & my life was consumed by the dust.

if you were to ask me about my 18-year-old-present-me self, oh, you'd know that not much has changed. just for one thing: that the 15-year-old me had died. the demons almost took her life, but they did take her soul & her innocence completely.
with no soul, there's no emotion, no desire, no energy, no life. i mean, how could there be life still underneath all the dust & all the darkness?
"why are you so emotionless?"
"why are you so fearless?"
because when you go through so much darkness alone & you drown to the deepest part of the ocean, you learn that the only one who can give you the light & strength you need to swim back up is yourself. because you know it can't get worse when you already had reached bottom low, so you just learn to swim with the weaves. because you learn that it's better to not get attached to temporary feelings that could bring darkness along all again. because life is so much better & simpler when there's nobody pushing you over the edge of the boat. because when you lose everything, there's nothing left to be fearful for. there's nothing left to care for.

i ask myself, "who am i now?"
if i'm not the girl who could enlighten a whole new world, create supernovas with her laugh & had the galaxies in her eyes;
or the girl who wasn't able to turn nightmares into dreams;
or the girl who got her soul & her innocence completely taken away;
who am i now?