I honestly don’t know what to do anymore it’s like I’m ******* self sabotaging every relationship I have without even intending to, it’s like I want someone to understand and to be able to open up to someone yet I have all these guards up and manipulate my way to have control over the situation. It doesn’t help that talking about my feelings or trying to justify myself makes me super destructive and it’s all just out of my hands maybe I should grow the **** up and stop expecting people to know what’s going on or how to treat me if they have no idea what’s happening inside my head I can’t handle it I’m so scared. I’m scared that this has become my reality and that it will never ever get better because that’s what mental illnesses are right, they’re all in your head but then they become ingrained into your personality and they become who you are and I’ve become the ******* person I vowed I’d never become I’m a ******* monster I don’t deserve anything anymore. I keep having these episodes and they’re becoming more and more frequent and more destructive each cycle this has moved far beyond my control and I have no energy left to try and contain it anymore