untitled 11/10/11

i was cold and mad
jaw clenched, hostile winds slicing through my dinner attire
all i wanted was to get back to the hotel
**** zombies on my laptop
and maybe watch some canadian television

you saw me j-walking
through a gap in the downtown traffic
you saw my attempt to be cool
perched stylishly atop my head, not pulled all the way down like old
people like their hats
you saw my scowl
angry with myself and discontent with the world

or maybe you didn't see any of that
because when i looked at you
your eyes were locked on my right hand carrying the styrofoam box of
leftover Thai whatever

and i knew, oh i knew
i could see the longing in your eyes
fresh takeout
it might even still be warm
you didn't even know what was inside
you just knew you wanted it
like a child on christmas morning
mouth watering in anticipation
for the present, separated only by wrapping paper

but i walked stiffly right past you
i was the grynch and i stole christmas

did you enjoy it?
those fleeting seconds of hope
fantasizing that maybe i would take pity on your ***** old soul

i'd bet that people walk past you with open food every day
and you have nothing better to do
than inhale deeply, and watch them pass

do you know what it tastes like anymore?
does your tongue remember the texture of cold boxed asian noodles?

when was the last time you've eaten?
that wasn't gathered from the trash
how long has it been
since you've had your mom's home cooking?

i couldn't stand it
it was impossible to tell the material of your clothing
whatever it was, it didn't seem to be holding back the winter

i couldn't stand it
you were holding a pathetic black top hat, more wrinkled than yourself
begging people for spare change
EVERYONE IN THIS WHOLE ******* CITY CAN AFFORD TO GIVE YOU A QUARTER
people aren't stingy *******
we just don't care about you enough to stop
and spend the time to give you that quarter

i turned back
walked the city block to the corner you were still at
and spent the time to give you a meal i would not have appreciated anyways

you weren't coherent
but i understood
you were once a man of dignity and character
served in the navy, corporal
awarded the purple heart after taking a blast to the head
you would want to thank me
for spending the time to listen to your life story
for caring

you turned to the next stranger on the sidewalk
and mumbled the only phrase you could
like a broken record
but i understood

i didn't tell you what was inside, even though you wouldn't hear me if i did
i wanted it to be a surprise
a fantasy you hadn't had yet
it might have been stone cold
but at least i wasn't anymore