If heaven's grief brings hell's reign,
Then I'd trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday

I guess ever since
I closed my heart
I turned into
The Snow Queen;

A heart of ice
That couldn't be moved
No matter how many
Tried their luck

And I prided myself in that
Cold
I prided myself in that
Calm
I prided myself in that
Darkness:

That lack of emotion;
A stone
Cold
Heart

Then you came along.

Perhaps it was the way
You talked
Perhaps it was the way
You walked
Or maybe it was the way
You made me laugh
Or maybe even
How you really seemed to be
My other half

Just like the Snow Queen
I saw it coming
And when you popped
The Question,
For the first time
I accepted.

I didn't think it'd do much
To my heart
And I knew you'd have to leave
In a couple of years
And I thought
I could take it
With full control

But who'd have known
With every second you spent with me
Like that young man
You slowly melted
The ice in my heart.

You broke down
The walls I'd built around myself
You made me feel
Safe
In the fort of your arms
You gave me back
My smile.

Gone were the days
Where I'd felt tired
Gone were the days
Where I contemplated never waking up
Again
Gone were the days
Where I felt alone
Gone were the days
Where I wanted
To die.

You truly made me feel
Loved

And I couldn't
Thank you enough
For that.
A blessing in my life
That has no price;
And can never be
Replaced.

Everyone could tell
Something was up
I was smiling
Way too much.

I'd sworn the year before
I'd never fall for someone
So soon
But I guess
I did.

Yes.

I fell in love
With you.

I was a little afraid
But
You were always there
To make sure that
You'd catch me.

So when I heard
That you were leaving
Much earlier
I was stunned.
I sat there
On the bus
Not looking at my phone
Or out the window
Or at anything

Back then
You said
"Maybe, but highly likely"
I had secretly hoped
That maybe
Just maybe
You could stay.

But obviously,
It didn't turn out that way.

My brain had registered it
Long before
But now, its protection isn't enough
For my heart
Anymore.
Without its armour
It can feel
Everything.

The distance
Feels like a string
Tied to something somewhere
Inside my chest
Pulling
Pulling
Pulling it towards
A vast emptiness
Threatening to tear
It into pieces

It suffocates
Holding back a scream
A scream that echoes
Unheard,
Resonating through
My body.

It's funny how I/we don't show
All this while our friends
Seem to be panicking
Way more
Than we are.
I guess we're just not good
With feelings*

But I guess panicking
And getting angry
And throwing a tantrum
And crying
And turning into
A mess
Wouldn't help much
And would probably
Hurt you
Even more than you already
Are.

Words echoed through my head
Words I never told you:

"Why do you have to go?
Do you really have to go?
I need you.
Don't go.
Can't you
Stay?
Please?"

The days we have left together
Are numbered
They can be counted
On one hand.

It'll be ages
Before we get to hold
Each other again.

I'll miss you
A lot.

I'll miss
Your smell

I'll miss
The warmth of your body
Against mine

I'll miss
Sitting across the table from you
Staring at each other before
Breaking into laughter

I'll miss
The sound of your heartbeat
When I lean against your chest

I'll miss
The warmth of your
Giant hands
That envelop mine

I'll miss our tickle wars
How you'd sometimes let me win
Even though you're many times stronger

And

I'll miss
The taste of your lips
When they meet
Mine

We'll have Skype calls
And stuff
But
It's not the same.

But hey,
It'll have to do.
And I'll keep all these memories
Carefully
Record them down
Maybe pull them out
Each night
Before I sleep.

Till I can hold you in my arms again,
I'll hold you
In my heart.

It's not going to be easy
On either of us
But if you'll have me,
I'll wait for you
No matter how long it takes,  
Hold onto your hand
And never let it go.
In distance we may be apart,
But never will we be at heart.

Though it has come to this
I have no regrets
Because
You're the best thing that's happened
In my life.

Thank you for all the memories
And for coming into my life.

I love you.