My mom came in and caught me
playing with my bone
She said ‘my God! oh Jesus!
won’t you leave that thing alone!’
I said ‘I’m sorry mother
but you really should have knocked.
Instead you barged right in here
and you caught me with my ****’.

She said ‘I guess I shouldn’t have
just walked right through the door
But honestly I had no clue
of what you had in store
I think you need to find a girl
who’s pretty and refined
I think that if you keep this up
you're liable to go blind

I told her that was non-sense
An old religious lie
She said 'get dressed
and come with me
and Christ pull up your fly
I'm taking you to see the priest
he'll fix your problem quick'
I said 'it's him who taught me
how to fiddle with my *****'.

My mother gasped in horror
then she boxed my little ears
She put me flat across her lap
and spanked my little rear
She said 'how dare you say
such things about a man of God
I hope that when he sees you
that he doesn't spare the rod'.

I said 'I doubt that mother
and I think it is a sin
That all us little altar boys
should take it on the chin
But either way it matters not
whatever may transpire
For a man of God is never wrong
while a boy is just a liar'