****** the first time that i saw you something woke up deep inside me a thing that i had not felt in so long it hit me like a lightening bolt like the first time john got drunk and took a swing at me for mouthing off but instead of a bruise that nobody asked about because being a hunter causes these kinds of things all the time just a casualty of the job dad said to explain it all away this thing it shot through my whole body starting from my toes sizzling up my bowed legs sammy said that they were for the better to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders with and it exploded behind my ribs but not like a broken rib this felt good but in a terrifying way i was so scared that i acted the way that i was taught growing up in this friggin life and i stabbed you god baby i stabbed you and if i could take it all back i would fall to my knees in front of you and beg you to take me back to make me whole again to make me a better man a better son a better brother a man that mary would have been proud of
and i kept on seeing you for so many years you healed my wounds my cuts and my bruises my broken bones you placed your hands on me my face my shoulder you made me believe in angels even though god is absent you made me believe in sammy too even more than i already do and you told me time and time again that i deserved to be saved you showed me with a determined set to your shoulders fists and teeth clenched in naked and vulnerable honesty that even sinners can be redeemed but since “****** dean you are not a sinner” that i didn’t need to be redeemed “i saved the world i saved you i saved sammy i saved you and you and you it was always you when all i wanted to do was lay down and die”
you just kept on giving and giving emptying yourself for me and my kind this world full of godless heathens you rebuilt me from the ground up made me into a good man again but it began to take it’s toll on you your grace dulled and your eyes didn’t shine as bright though they still lit up when you saw me and sammy but your shoulders they sagged beneath your ridiculous trench coat that yeah i kept in my trunk for that hellish time without you and i cried into the dusty fabric when i found the picture of sammy and i in the pocket and your hardships and selflessness they showed through your tough demeanor and i’m an angel you *** mantra but i know what it is like to hurt to want to die but you always made your mistakes with the best intentions at heart
and all of your scars and wounds because being human hurts and the drugs because you wanted to see the colors again only made me love you more i wanted to keep you safe and even in the midst of your insanity you said “you know me always happy to bleed for the winchester”
but ****** cas i wish you had let me bleed for you maybe just once i would have gladly carried you when you were too tired to walk and et wouldn’t go home because he loved his human charges too much and we love you too cas we love you too