i crack my fingers and clear my throat
trying to force out something that was once so natural,
something that kept me alive in my time of sparseness and loneliness
i can't remember a single friend from that time
i am my best friend now
and it's strange how things come and go,
the ebb and flow,
one day i'm lost in mania and bright lights and open mouthed kisses and the next
i am contemplating my solitude,
hunching my back and spending all my time in front of a mirror
there is much 2 see
there is much 2 be
i'm working on myself
by myself
for myself
i have room for others but they have to knock
i'm not inviting anyone in,
who knows
who's a bloodsucker
who's a *******

who knows who knows maybe a hope filled who knows maybe a less bitter, hope filled,
    who knows

1
mania
brightness
kisses
false kindness
hope
happy times
lies lies lies

2
emptiness
gray
black shirt
ill fitting jeans
dry hair so dry dry dry dry
a girl held it and remarked
on it
and i cried that night
my heart was so large
so so so painfully soft
and virginal when faced with reality

3
no food
no food
no food
not allowed
no hope

now

progression?
regression?
i'm going somewhere and that's better than nowhere
maybe my words will take up a lilt again
and i'll rhyme cleverly again
maybe i'll find a happy medium

who knows who knows