step one:
don’t come out
in any way
keep your mouth shut
about your sexuality and your gender
because really
as you will come to notice
the cuts and scars on your wrists
and the suicide attempts under your belt
will be way more bearable than the disgust
that your mother holds in her eyes
in the downwards tilt of her mouth
when she looks at you

step two:
keep your mouth shut
about everything
even if your mother sees what
you are doing to yourself
how you are slowly whittling yourself
down to the very core of your being
deny the empty pill bottles
and the blood in the sink
a red red ring around the shower drain

step three:
deny everything
the bloodstains on your long sleeves
the sweatshirts and layers upon layers
worn on hundred degree days
all of the empty pills bottles
the alcohol and cigarettes on your breath
the bags under your eyes
hospital bracelets taped into old notebooks
suicide notes hidden inside every word
and every thought and every breath
the urge and the need and the want and the
promise of a sweet darkness
you hunger for it
it courses through your veins

step four:
remember that it is all your fault
it is your fault for being born
for being abused
for more than half of your life
the depression
the anxiety
the insomnia
the self-harm
your mother’s alcoholism
the smell of **** on your clothes
the coffee stains on her teeth
because she needs some kind of drink
just to look at you anymore
it is your fault for wanting to die
it is your fault for being this way
everything is your fault
you are to blame for all the
wrongs that are plaguing this world
and you will spend so many years
and countless sleepless nights
so many hospital visits
and therapists
and pill after pill after pill
trying to fix a body and a mind and a heart
that your mother destroyed

step five:
learn to love yourself
find friends and make them your new family
learn to accept yourself
be proud of your scars
and the bags under your eyes
the ground-down teeth
the shaky hands
because even messy teeth can smile beautifully
and even shaky hands can hold someone tightly
or yourself
don’t be afraid to hold yourself
because sometimes you are all that you have
revel in the feeling of being alone
but rejoice about being with friends
let yourself heal

step six:
remember that you are not a monster
you are a human being
and you do not have to be
your mother’s little boy or little girl
if you don’t want to be
you are not other’s failings
or what has been done to you
these have shaped and molded you
into who you are today
they taught you how to survive
in a cruel cruel world
let your wings grow
so big that they cover you and everyone
and everything that you love and hold dear
hold your own hand
wipe your own tears
but also don’t be afraid to let other people
do those things for you
and most importantly
don’t forget to let yourself live again