Nov 2011
But I tell myself I don’t need it
Brow furrowed, eyes shifty
Always trying to tell my heart to shut up
Listening to it gets me nowhere
No thanks, it’s too dangerous of a mission
What’s that?
Your rapid heartbeats don’t resonate
Houston; abort
But I tell myself I don’t need it
The hugging, the laughter, the sparkle in others eyes
I’d rather be a napkin in the corner of the street
Existing in a permanent state of rejection
Once desired for a purpose no longer
Once sought after for a grimy hand in need
Now free to blow away at my convenience; haphazardly, twitching down the bumpy road, soiled with the dirt of my one human encounter
Maybe I’ll make a decent home for a cockroach
Or simply dissolve into the urban street I was tossed into
But I tell myself I don’t need it
So where’s my gun?
Where’s my bottle of pills?
Where’s the bus I’ve been waiting on?
Recklessness is deaths pawn
And they make a flawless team
I feel them lurking in
Every bottle I drink
Every cigarette I smoke
Every dark street I walk alone on
But I tell myself I don’t need it
It’s the wisp of the wind
The transparency of a glass
The soul of a person
I grab it in the palm of my hand, clutching to its fleeting warmth
Only knowing after it’s gone I’ll resume being cold and empty
But I tell myself I don’t need it
But there’s a thin line between what we want and what we need
So I’ll be the battered wife that stays with her abusive husband
I’ll be the alcoholic with a bible and a cross
I’ll be the homophobic man with a secret male lover
Hoping the next day I won’t awake
So everything I stuff down and suffocate will wither away inside my casket
Because the worst thing you can do is let them know
Let them know you are it
You are what they need
So I’ll gaze down this building and hope I’ll inch too close
And become a bit dizzy
And laugh a bit nervouslessy
And tease the edge with the tip of my shoe
And feel the blood rushing
To my nose
And my head
And feel the ground sinking
And the wind flowing
Hands shaking
And the rock it’s tittering, falling so fast
Gravity kills it in one swoop like it never even mattered
And the ground it all looks so awfully far away
Is this right? Is it? What about everyone else?
I’m so ******* sweaty and I’m thinking of everything of all the scenarios
The do’s and the don’ts’ and whether I should’ve given Jesus a shot
And the tears are gushing a salty mask all across my cold face
And I’ll fall and prove to them all that I was nothing but an intangible feeling
And they’ll all cry and think I was something
Worth feeling and touching and believing in and…
But I tell myself I don’t need it
Brow furrowed, eyes shifty
Always trying to tell my heart to shut up
Listening to it gets me nowhere
No thanks, it’s too dangerous of a mission
What’s that?
Your rapid heartbeats don’t resonate
Houston; abort
But I tell myself I don’t need it
The hugging, the laughter, the sparkle in others eyes
I’d rather be a napkin in the corner of the street
Existing in a permanent state of rejection
Once desired for a purpose no longer
Once sought after for a grimy hand in need
Now free to blow away at my convenience; haphazardly, twitching down the bumpy road, soiled with the dirt of my one human encounter
Maybe I’ll make a decent home for a cockroach
Or simply dissolve into the urban street I was tossed into
But I tell myself I don’t need it
So where’s my gun?
Where’s my bottle of pills?
Where’s the bus I’ve been waiting on?
Recklessness is deaths pawn
And they make a flawless team
I feel them lurking in
Every bottle I drink
Every cigarette I smoke
Every dark street I walk alone on
But I tell myself I don’t need it
It’s the wisp of the wind
The transparency of a glass
The soul of a person
I grab it in the palm of my hand, clutching to its fleeting warmth
Only knowing after it’s gone I’ll resume being cold and empty
But I tell myself I don’t need it
But there’s a thin line between what we want and what we need
So I’ll be the battered wife that stays with her abusive husband
I’ll be the alcoholic with a bible and a cross
I’ll be the homophobic man with a secret male lover
Hoping the next day I won’t awake
So everything I stuff down and suffocate will wither away inside my casket
Because the worst thing you can do is let them know
Let them know you are it
You are what they need
So I’ll gaze down this building and hope I’ll inch too close
And become a bit dizzy
And laugh a bit nervouslessy
And tease the edge with the tip of my shoe
And feel the blood rushing
To my nose
And my head
And feel the ground sinking
And the wind flowing
Hands shaking
And the rock it’s tittering, falling so fast
Gravity kills it in one swoop like it never even mattered
And the ground it all looks so awfully far away
Is this right? Is it? What about everyone else?
I’m so ******* sweaty and I’m thinking of everything of all the scenarios
The do’s and the don’ts’ and whether I should’ve given Jesus a shot
And the tears are gushing a salty mask all across my cold face
And I’ll fall and prove to them all that I was nothing but an intangible feeling
And they’ll all cry and think I was something
Worth feeling and touching and believing in and…
But I tell myself I don’t need it
