To the Dear People Who Ask If I’m Okay
Oh I am definitely okay.
I’m okay with being alone.
I’m okay of feeling lonely.
I’m okay of feeling depressed.
I’m okay about being compared to everyone around me.
I’m okay of feeling isolated.
I’m okay of crying myself to sleep every night.
I’m okay of having to wake up and see myself covered in wounds because of the works of my own hands
due to the nightmares that creep into my mind each night.
I’m okay with being misunderstood.
I’m okay about not being appreciated.

I’m okay of being just okay.

I’m okay about being trapped in an enclosed box with tapes on my mouth and tears in my eyes while I cry for help.
I am okay with not being heard.
I’m okay with pain being my companion every day.

I’m okay about getting used to just being okay,

But I am never happy about just being okay
Because “I’m okay” does not say “I’m happy”.
Yes
Being okay does not mean you’re happy.
Being okay means you’re just trying to look happy
Because looking happy is better than explaining yourself every time your eyes fail to hold your tears for it shows how fragile you really are
But they don’t know how long you’ve been fighting your own war.
They don’t know how long your heart and head have been shooting bullets at each other.
You,
don’t know how my mind shouts at me to force me to be okay while my heart whispers to me how I should just let myself be happy.

Everybody around me is saying
that happiness is a choice because if you choose to be happy, then you will be happy.
But, is it my fault
how my own family does not even see how they push me to the edge of the cliff giving me only two options?
It’s either to learn how to fly without wings or to quit and just fall to the deep deep ground.
Is it my fault
how everyone sees me as selfish and worthless when I am giving the best that I could?
Is it my fault
that I am just a human being fighting my own battles just like you?
I’m sorry, but how is it my fault?

So, to the dear people who ask if I’m okay,
Yes I am okay, but I’m not happy.
I’m not happy with how I am drowning in pain
even if happiness has always been my first choice.
But,
I am going to be.
And I’ll make sure that the next time you ask me if I’m okay
I would doubtlessly answer,
“NO, I am not okay,
because
I am done being okay.”