The lights went out
When I was sipping my water
When we sat outside
In the backyard of the restaurant
You were listening to me speak
About my brother and my parents
And how I was worried that he felt
As alone as I did
When I was a kid
And you stared at me in concern
And nodded along

I loved the taste of the peppers
And I noticed them growing above you
Right by the stairs
That were covered in vine
With rickety wood
That probably gave the owner splinters
The same woman who told me that she
Got out of jury duty
Because she was biased
Because she was held at gun point
Not once
But twice
And that she wished she could return the favor


And when the lights went out
There was a stillness
And a second of quiet
And I looked up
To see infant stars sprinkled between the clouds
That were stranded above the city
Still tinged with remains of lavender
From the early sunset

And maybe
It would have been easier
If we believed in anything
If god itself could reach out
And pop each bulb
Like little balloons
And caress our cheeks
When we felt scared
Or isolated

And maybe it would have spared us
Some resentment
Or given us a break
For trying to survive
For trying to breathe in a world
Filled with a compassionate cruelty
And a smug sense of undeserved irony
That left an entire generation jaded
Or miserable
Or exhausted


Especially when looking for work
Like I did those years ago
While my father chided me
Cited merit
And integrity
And 'maybe I wasn't trying hard enough'
Yet still had the audacity
To retire young
And complain about it


And maybe
It would have been easier
If instead of apples
We were leaves
That turned into shades of fire
At the end of August
And were carried away
And then reborn
Instead of falling hard
And rotting on the ground


And maybe it would have been easier
Or maybe it wouldn't have
When my mother called me
In the cold air of the early spring
And I could hear her voice cracking
And I had to walk outside
Into the bitter cold
To keep myself from breaking


And maybe it would have been easier
If your parents hadn't loved you
And if my mother never came back
And we would've never met
And you would've never made me laugh
And I would've never had anyone
To call a friend or a sister
The way I call to you


And maybe it would have been easier

But it wasn't
When your mother called you
And told you of the news
And your eyes swelled
And my mouth dried up
And I knew it would never be easy
Since I was very young
But I would be there for you
As you continue to learn the same


And when the lights went out
We felt it
On our own
In our own ways
But we felt it together