I was so sure I would never fall again.
So sure I had fought off the bloodsucking leach called love.
I knew You for 6 days.
Now even after 86 sleepless nights and hollow days
the pain of Your absence only seems to magnify.

I was so ******* sure! I had done everything right.
I'd slept with nameless boys and pretty faces;
I'd smoked enough ****, snorted enough coke, swallowed enough whiskey.
I'd taken up every possible distraction.
When the nameless boys suddenly became known in my mind as
important
, beautiful
, special
, everything
I knew it was time to cut them off.
I never kept one for more than 2 weeks
, I didn't save their numbers
, I didn't ask about their families
, half the time I didn't even know where they lived.
There was one with a dead mother, and I hadn't a clue that Lee was just the stepmom.
Lately the drinking has become a problem, so I have nothing to make me forget.

When I met You
I immediately wrote You off as not-my-type.
Knowing only four other people at "Christian Camp," I was forced to sit with You on the bus.
Forced conversation proved to be less awkward than expected, but I still wanted nothing to do with Your goofy smile and
dark eyes that only beckoned me closer.
That night I noticed those same eyes following my every moment.
My body is less than impressive
, all long legs and collar bones and protruding hips.
My flat chest and slightly curved **** are nothing to get excited about.
When I stood with my hands on my hips, You looped Your arm with mine and gave me that ******* near perfect smile.
We sat on the benches outside and discussed all the bad things we'd ever done.
This is the only way I'd ever communicated
, only way I'd ever known to connect
, only way I knew to warn people that I'm bad news.

This only seemed to pull You in closer.
You told stories of Your cranked up parents
, the neglect You'd felt as a kid
, the countless ways in which You had acted out.
You said
we're so similar
you don't deserve any of your pain soph
stop giving yourself to those boys
you don't deserve the **** hand you've been dealt.
I immediately saw through the jokes
, You were in just as much pain as I was
, Your no good dad had wronged You just as mine has all these years.
We fell into a comfortable pattern of
joking about the **** we'd been through
in order to keep from breaking down.
Whenever someone joined in and apologized for interrupting our lover's time
, I made sure to loudly state we're just friends
though inside it pained me to admit it.
At lights out
You gave me a casual side hug and
I realized that sometimes a slight touch can cause so
many more tingles than the **** of a stranger.

Two days later I was hooked and everyone knew
except You.
I had gelled Your hair and we told the children we were married.
We were talking alone on the porch when it happened:
I impulsively told You I wanted You to kiss me.
You kissed above my mouth at first and I thought I might
explode.
You kissed me twice more, on the lips this time
and I was so happy I cried.
Imagine that, what had numbed me for so long caused me to crack.
That night we found our bench and You put Your arm around me.
Cheesy as it may be, it only made
me melt more as I nestled into Your perfect Wes body.
You told me You didn't want to be a casual fling or
just a camp hookup.
I broke all vows I've ever made to myself when I told You that what
I feel for You is undeniably strong.
Undeniably real.

Before bed You grabbed my hand and we walked to the
pond
, where You gathered me in Your arms and kissed me once more
, where I laced my fingers through Your freshly washed hair
, where I memorized Your smell, soap and love
, where I gave You Your first tongue kiss.
When I didn't want to stop,
You picked me up and
carried me to my cabin,
kissing me the whole way there.
I refused to say good night, so You hugged me from behind and kissed
the nap of my neck,
whispering empty promises into my soul.

The next day was radio silent.
When it became too much I broke down and isolated
from the world
, begging god to grace me with numbness once again
, pleading with her to tape me back together.

You pulled me aside and with every word I broke a little more:
I'm not ready for this
You really are wonderful
You really do deserve more
You deserve the world baby but
I just can't give you that
I'm not strong enough for this
I wish I could give you what you need.

But once again You kissed me before bed and
dried my tears.
You allowed me to soak Your shirt in my disappointment.
You waited until I summoned the stronger me and said goodnight.
I cried all night long.

The next morning we had a carnival for the kids.
You cleaned my infected nose piercing
You proudly held my hand everywhere we walked
You sat idly by as I drew hearts on Your leg and traced
Your tattoo with my fingers.
The permanence did not rub off on us.

Back at the church
You smothered me in goodbyekisses
When a few of us went to eat You sat at the opposite side of the table;
but back at Your car
we kissed more deeply and more passionately than all our kisses combined,
You gave me a cigarette and isn't that just the perfect ******* metaphor
for how You simultaneously fulfilled my craving and
tore me apart.

Once we went home,
You didn't talk to me for three days.
I drunkenly texted You begging for either a
declaration of Your love or the final goodbye.
You told me once again,
I'm not ready for this
You really are wonderful
You really do deserve more
You deserve the world baby but
I just can't give you that
I'm not strong enough for this
I wish I could give you what you need.

86 ******* days and I still can't forget that face.