Sep 2015
I crave adventure in ways I myself cannot understand.
But I think that’s what losing a loved one does to you. It creates a sort of entrapment that cannot be overcome. You’ve lost something incredibly valuable and you’re left with no means of ever getting it back. You begin to gravitate towards all open roads because you’ve got no ties holding you down. It’s almost like deep down, you’re searching for what’s been lost.
I think feelings of loss and feelings of entrapment go hand in hand. If you blink, you might miss how quickly they follow each other into the room.
You’re now alone in this world.
You’ve been left behind and you cannot help but feel trapped in this place where you cannot find what’s been taken.
And I try, I do really try to remember that loved ones are only ours to borrow and never to keep but it’s easier said than done. Especially when you lose a twin.
The loneliness is incredible but the suffocation that ensues is inevitably worse.
See, when parents lose a child, they gravitate towards the pieces in their lives that didn’t shatter.
I am one of those pieces.
I am the piece that hasn’t shattered: their only living child.
And my parents are holding onto me so tightly, they are blind to the damage induced by their suffocating grasp. Permanent damage. The kind of damage that will make me flee from any and all means of control, any and all relationships that might try to bind me to a time or place because I cannot stay any longer here there anywhere. Anywhere at all that might result in being chained.
To induce the sort of suffocation I may not survive now.
Because I am drowning.
It’s ironic in a dark Sylvia Plath way. I have always feared that drowning would be a terrible way to go. I never thought I would experience what it was like to drown on land.
But I am here. I am here in this moment. And in this moment I cannot breath. There is oxygen all around me and I still cannot breath.
You guys are suffocating me. I am the remaining living child and you guys are suffocating me.
I.
Cannot.
B R E A T H
But I think that’s what losing a loved one does to you. It creates a sort of entrapment that cannot be overcome. You’ve lost something incredibly valuable and you’re left with no means of ever getting it back. You begin to gravitate towards all open roads because you’ve got no ties holding you down. It’s almost like deep down, you’re searching for what’s been lost.
I think feelings of loss and feelings of entrapment go hand in hand. If you blink, you might miss how quickly they follow each other into the room.
You’re now alone in this world.
You’ve been left behind and you cannot help but feel trapped in this place where you cannot find what’s been taken.
And I try, I do really try to remember that loved ones are only ours to borrow and never to keep but it’s easier said than done. Especially when you lose a twin.
The loneliness is incredible but the suffocation that ensues is inevitably worse.
See, when parents lose a child, they gravitate towards the pieces in their lives that didn’t shatter.
I am one of those pieces.
I am the piece that hasn’t shattered: their only living child.
And my parents are holding onto me so tightly, they are blind to the damage induced by their suffocating grasp. Permanent damage. The kind of damage that will make me flee from any and all means of control, any and all relationships that might try to bind me to a time or place because I cannot stay any longer here there anywhere. Anywhere at all that might result in being chained.
To induce the sort of suffocation I may not survive now.
Because I am drowning.
It’s ironic in a dark Sylvia Plath way. I have always feared that drowning would be a terrible way to go. I never thought I would experience what it was like to drown on land.
But I am here. I am here in this moment. And in this moment I cannot breath. There is oxygen all around me and I still cannot breath.
You guys are suffocating me. I am the remaining living child and you guys are suffocating me.
I.
Cannot.
B R E A T H
If you are a parent and you've lost a child, do not suffocate the remaining child. Because if you give them no way out, they will lose their light for life.
