Most nights I dont have to wish for her to keep me warm,
my blankets embrace me just as softly but they dont squeeze my ribs the same.
One time my grandfather told me when I was really young that a woman can never be  anything less than everything shes supposed to be, and that if its your woman your job is to see that through. I like to think if maybe I could rewind time about 3 years and somehow manipulate all 3 of our timelines enough that you would get to meet him and hear his laugh, or get a nickname from him and be able to tell me if my hugs feel like his cause ive never felt safer than those moments.
I never wanted to take you from your family and I feel each day they like me less and I like you more.
Marriage is a weird concept to me and ive never been sure if its what I want, its no fear of commitment or fear of missing out on anything but it just seems silly to me. non essential even.
I dont know but I know that standing in the doorway to my bathroom and looking her in the eyes as my breaths matched hers Ive never been more positive of who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with,
of who I want to watch our friends grow old with,
of who I want to argue over song lyrics with ( and lose ) forever,
of who I want to be the one I trust with the things im afraid of telling myself,
of the one whos poison I would drink if the last words I heard were
"I love you b"
Ive never been happier to be called disgusting by anyone than when they refer to the unreasonable amount of attachment and affection we have for each other,
I have NEVER cried more over anyone other than my grandfather and thats because ive never met anyone more monumentally important in my life I like to think my grandfather would be so proud of the woman you are, someone with a voice and soul, someone with  a warm heart filled with cold winters and the same unrestful home life he knew I had and tried to sing me through with songs and nicknames, I can never know the struggles you had, I can never feel your pain or rub away the scars, but I just want to make you smile and hear you sing, I just want to kick it in Australia with a blunt in my mouth while I watch you dip your toes in the sea and know your love is just as expansive, nobody gets to decide who they need in their life, as I dig this hole with each smiling shovel of dirt she pushes a little back in, sneakily slowing my progress and saving my soul there is nothing greedy about my love but encompassing is an all to applicable adjective
tell your father im sorry his little girl isnt home every night anymore, and tell your mom im sorry that im the reason you guys dont hang out,
tell your niece im sorry i keep randomly showing up and asking her weird questions,
tell your cat to keep your bed warm for me cause I know you tend to feel ghost chills in the absence of your best friends curls,
tell your baggage theres tons of room in my closet,
tell your Ex's that they are history, not to be forgotten and their impact is forever but their opinions are irrelevant,
I dont know why im so dependant on you, or ****, or the ******* sunsets in the sky but there hasnt been a day when death hasnt seemed easier, but there also hasnt been a day when I have felt ready to give any of this up and I want you to know that there is nothing on this god ****** planet I wont do to make sure youre safe,
do you remember when I walked to your house just to read words to you from a dictionary?
I think back to ten months ago and smile at the way things were,
the best parts of our memories shine the brightest and the stresses of our day to days stay hidden behind the rays of good memories, the stresses of today will soon be eclipsed by good memories,
dont let the whispers in your mind tear at your heart and Ill do my best to silence mine,
there will be doubts and there will be struggles but never doubt that my grandfather blessed me with the strength to help you become everything you are meant to be and ill be here till the day we figure out the afterlife,
and if you figure it out before me im not saying ill last a month or a week even but ill do my damndest to make sure people know about your curls and skin and voice and mind,
I never want to live a day i cant tell you about,
I never want to see the world without the sound of your laugh filling the wind in my ears,
I never want to take a breath you couldnt breathe and if I ever have to I might just break.
tonight I wish she was here to keep me warm,