I haven't wrote for a while.
That does not stop my heart from collapsing at the glimpse of the morning sky, because of sleepless nights I've torchered myself into. Convincing myself to go through alone so I won't pick up my phone and dial your number. I blame myself for the thoughts that keep me awake and I scream at my conscious to hush when any thought seemingly reasonable comes to mind. Deep down I know I'm doing this do myself but nothing stops me because I deserve it. I can't bear the sound of your name or the memory of your touch because the second I look out into the distance I become deep into a state of being numb.
but you see, dear. I'm told it's all in my head and there's no way out. So I look into my mirror and see a stranger staring back at me with eyes bloodshot red matching the blood slowly drip down my wrist. Stomach turning because of the nicotine I just enhaled and I spit into the sink trying to deny what I had done. days before I swore to myself i would never dare pick up a cigarette but I am 15 years old rocking back and forth on the floor begging the lord that I don't believe in to make it all stop. I'm worshipping the clock with faith it will somehow stop and rewind. take me back to the better days that I didn't spend my nights hating myself for every breath I continue to take. I've become all I said I never would.  I've lost myself completely and only find pieces of myself as I'm laying on my best friends floor high as hell and daydreaming about other worlds.
This is why I haven't wrote for a while.
There are no combinations of words to express how deeply I'm depressed. All I ask of you "friends," is to let me rest. Please don't wake me, I'm already dead.