I would like to wrap my words around this page- outstretch my arms so I can hold up the stage below me tell it- tell everyone things will not be this bad for too much longer.. But I've never really been much of a liar just a melancholy toned razor tongue with a quick wit and keen punchlines I am all and I am nothing in the same breath. Breathe. I try to track how many I take but there's too much breathing and not enough oxygen these arms are now making me choke held too tightly around this stage that has become my throat these words are slipping they have become my will, my oath my proof that something exists and as it is all drifting and drifting I am reminded- nothing does. My mind plays tricks on itself my left brain likes to tie a lasso around my right until all of the creativity is squeezed beneath my toes under a microphone, in front of a laptop, for everyone to see and laughs when it realizes this is all I have. Then my right brain retaliates excellerates into oblivion and becomes one with my anxiety it speeds up everything in my thinking process I own until I am the one- spinning and swerving and crashing until I am the one- manic and crying and thinking about death and it laughs when I'm clutching my legs again when it thinks it's won the battle and see I wake up everyday and fight. There is no beautiful music to play- no genre to this madness You can spin me like I'm on a record player and watch me slowly turn. There is no going backwards for me only forward and repeat and my history sounds a little like a skipped disk in the CD slot because you keep replaying the same parts over and over and o-over and o-o-o-o-ver again. This cycle plays on repeat for days on end until eventually everyone gets tired of it and it's thrown away- These arms let go. I am left speechless again. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting for the soft spoken tap of the keys to reel me back in whispering a string quartet of desire and longing only to watch my mind begin the game again. Gaining only scratches on my surface- Skip me. I don't wanna play anymore.