I signed the DNR form And steeled myself As if this cancer were a battle I could fight with my fists I felt like a man Standing before the open mouth of a cave marked midnight Like grimaced teeth and the desire for life were enough To withstand the fire the chemo caused my skin It made my skin crawl some nights
I was sure I would wake just bone Until I looked just bone Like an ill fitting skin sheet Draped over a science project And enough voice to remind whoever heard me That I was somehow still human
I felt like a man Who could do this alone or die trying That if I were given a scalpel I could cut this out of me Pull out whatever caused this It would look like a gnarled black ball Humming contently Like lip shushed fingertips Begging for silence
I chewed on my pillow Until my jaw taught me to sleep
I felt like a man At the end of a road Who finally realized The difference between battles you fight with your fists And battles you fight with caves marked midnight And battles you fight in a sweat drenched hospital bed That smells like bleach And makes you miss home Battles that remind you No matter what sort of man you feel like There is always something That can make you feel like a child