No one thinks I'm cute.
No one thinks I'm funny.

If I was really so astute,
I'd be in it for the money.
I need to be more rude,
I have to be less thoughtful,
I'll start calling everyone 'dude'
and I'll start drinking milk
straight from the bottle.

No one thinks I'm smart.
No one thinks I'm worth it.

If I really had a good heart,
I'd make everyone think I was perfect.
I need to be more greedy,
I have to be less austere,
I'll start taking food from the needy,
and I'll build a facade on every frontier.

No one thinks I'm special.
No one thinks I care.

If I could really deal with pressure,
I'd scream and throw things into the air.
I must be much less pensive,
I must try to be more gluttonous,
I'll start buying suits that are expensive,
and at least two more button-ups.

No one thinks I'm grand.
No one thinks I'm unique.

If I was really such a right-hand-man,
I'd reach down and scratch their oblique.
I must be much less generous and
substitute it with daring,
my handshakes will be venomous,
and I'll start littering without caring.

No one thinks I'm the best.
No one thinks I'll go higher.
I must do away with being honest, yes
and I'll practice becoming a good liar.