I realized something today.
I realized that,
no matter how many stupid things you put me though,
we had some good times.
But I admit,
the bad might have out shined the good.
In the end,
I knew I would miss you,
But...
I didn't think I would hate you.
And the truth is,
I really do hate you.

I fought against it for a while,
trying to tell myself,
that you had a justifiable reason,
for doing everything you did.
But you don't.
You never have.
And you never will.
Everything you did to me,
was malevolent,
painful,
abusive,
manipulative,
and traumatizing.
And I wish I could make it all go away,
But I can't.

This is my only escape.

Every time I look at you,
you **** the life straight out of my heart,
and the feeling from my limbs.
It's suddenly harder to breathe,
and my blood starts to boil.
And underneath all of those symptoms,
there's a question.
"Who are you?!"
Who are you...
all I want to know,
is who you are.
Because you're definitely not anything that I recognize.

I realize now,
That I was set up from the very start.
But I'd like to think,
if not for just one second,
that 2 years and 6 months actually meant something to you.
Something more than stringing me along,
because I really can't put my life back together,
knowing that you're just out to mess it up.
And I know you are,
because every single thing you've done,
for the past 10 months,
has been deliberate enough for me to see,
that you're just trying to ruin me.
And you know what?
I try to stop you.
But you just break me down so completely, and,
so,
*******,
easily.

Remember what I said?
About how hard it is for me to even look at you?
Think of how bad it is for me to hear your voice!
Your harmonious voice,
taunting me in melodious tongues,
prodding into my brain,
and planting new seeds of doubt,
where they will no doubt grow and bloom.
One word is all it takes.
It doesn't even have to be towards me,
it just has to be around me.
It flows around me,
as surely as the air flows through my lungs.
And it fills my system with dripping venom.
Constricting,
writhing it's way into my thoughts,
and slowly enveloping my heart.
I don't know how long my heart can stay choked like this.
I need air,
I need freedom,
but most of all,
I need reassurance that I'm going to be okay...

In the end,
I know I'll never get to say any of this to you.
But I'd still like to say it.
You're a pathetic excuse for a human being.
Really.
You're a sadistic, abusive, manipulative, conniving, malevolent...****.
Yeah, that sounds about right.
I wish I could take my years, months, hours and minutes back,
so I could have spent them with who I'm with now.
Because never in my entire life,
have I found someone who makes me smile as easily as he does.
His scent makes my heart flutter,
and his happiness is contagious.
When I'm in his arms,
everything is okay.
But there's still that silent sense of foreboding.
That sense that you're still out there,
destroying the lives of other girls,
like you did mine.

I don't know when I'll heal.
Or when I'll even start to heal.
But now I know the first step.

*I need to accept the fact that I need help.