Who am I in this, this world, this space in time…this lost hope,

Where is my place, my destiny, my beautiful violin solo?

It all seems so cluttered, chaotic and destined to be a deep sadness… sagging and weak… I know there is beauty, I see it… and I want to lose myself in it…with no hope of return….not to this dark place, the place that stinks of old and rot.

You were for me the most amazing love I have ever known and ever will know, I never knew I could, or would even want to love as much as I do love you.  I was transformed, I became someone different because you loved me.  I don’t know where it is that I became not enough, the instance in time when I was, simply put, no longer in your heart.

I digress.

I can’t control the impeding sadness, I am getting tired of the fight and I don’t feel the love from you that I once felt.  As I type them, I hate the very words I am using…sadness, dark place, chaotic.  I don’t want to be the bleeding heart, the wounded one.

Please God, let me be.  Let me not suffer like this.  My heart is in agony and my body is weak.  I feel as though I am a disappointment and I don’t know if I can do this much longer.

For today I will put on the face, the façade…the someone I am not, so that I may go out into the world and face the people that do not know my heart.