my darling is like most
and does not understand.
He believes
because our trials are different
that I do not struggle the same.
He does not see
my desperate battle to crack a smile,
only another mood swing.
He does not understand
how hard it is
to throw 18 traumatized years away
and pretend it never happened.
He sees twelve hours sleep
excessive and lazy
because he cannot understand
how one can be so sad
they cannot get out of bed.
He can worry
about clean hands
and crumbs
but the millions of worries
that send me sprawling
to sharp breaths
and tears
are inconceivable.
My darling is always level headed
calm cool and collected
and is unaware of my days.
I spend all day
doing what I can
to make sure he is happy,
I avoid the mirror
for a glimpse
summons waterfalls
I take mood stabilizers
exercise
and eat well
but most days
I walk around the house like a zombie
in despair because he,
like most everyone,
will never understand how hard it is,
the weight on my chest
the constant tears
the black dog
the ball and chain
the panic
the fear
all the little things
I struggle through
everyday,
the daily war I wage with myself
the never ending hell
the bravery
and strength I have
to admit I need help
and speak my troubles
to one I trust,
my hours of hard work
are not spent at a paid job
but trying to love and live and breath
and smile and be healthy
for I've got a long way to go
and it will take a long time, but,
my darling does not see this
and is now
no longer my darling.