I didn't know sadness was such a tangible thing
an item you can reach out and touch and grab and pull out of the sky
a blanket that has a smattering of lonliness sewn into the seams
heavy and woolen
i haven't cried in months
but here i am wishing that i could burn away the lingering thoughts on my tongue
and wishing i could down at least a bottle of something strong enough to ruin my image of you
and all that's singed into my broken brain is a half smile
a gentle hand and a soft grasp

why can't you be frowning in my head?
why do i only remember that second kiss we had in the dark room
you fingers running up my back you breath heavy with the prospect of love
why do i only remember when we first met and you played the piano
and impressed me because i'd never met a boy who could play like you
because emotion had never been put so well into the plastic keys of a piano

why do i only remember sticking my cold feet under your legs
on the frigid night in Colorado
everybody huddled under a blanket, you and i facing each other
the stars above us falling on our heads and whispering tragedy
whispering love

and why
for god's sake
do i remember you sitting quietly in your car
not turning the music on
listening to rain fall like small shards of glass
small shards of patient waiting
gripping the steering wheel then putting those delicate hands in your lap
not knowing where to keep the anxiety trapped between them
why do i remember you turning your face away and telling me goodbye
why do i still think i heard you say you'd still love me even after all this time?

why can't i just remember when you told me we could never be more than friends,
and leave it at that?