My Mother's face beams
pixilated
and irreverent thoughts flood
my brain
gazing down
my legs         too long
my ******* too large
his smile is a symphony
before fire and rage
and I, I am
sanguine, just behind
the deceit and pain of
her protrusive smile

My shoulders are too wide, bear
too much     These eyes know
far more than hers
from a distance -
could be alive
and so could she
not as now - no, I cannot
fathom that
but as was - captured
flickering
like my memory of her
before it all went wrong

I search     reluctant
for what small glimpses the
machine might offer
Her name here, not mine
anymore but another’s settles
lead through my veins
screaming       NO
wrong
so gone that this picture
is foreign could be
prepackaged in frames for
convenient selling

I know his
grin as my own
and that sweater was
my favorite
but is foreign too as my
thighs and toes and trailing smoke
are to her
But beaming, I yearn
for what I cannot have
forsaken
with one hand   while I clawed
out my heart with the other

still bleeding for you
my dear Mother