when i was about thirteen years old and had the beautiful luck of discovering that hip hop music wasnt all so bad and could actually be called music and was really living poetry and had little touches of jazz and wow i like that beat it doesnt have to be all about *** drugs and women but its okay if it is because at least it can actually be music i happened to notice kanye wests ever so important message of dont listen to anyone trying to bring you down and thought o thats a really ever so important message i should keep fighting and keep or start fighting something so i guess now thats writing and i supposed ive been doing that ever since but now i find it kinda funny that the message the ever so important message of dont let anyone ever bring you down dont listen to them theyre haters suddenly turned into dont listen to anyone and i think thats more than slightly tragic sorta like how i told myself for a long time that id always have everything about me together still at thirteen and that i wouldnt ever touch a girl at high school but gosh ive touched more than a girl so i wonder what was up with little me and whats up with sorta big me and if thats more than slightly tragic how id always wanted everything about me to be together in some tightly knit structure but never could never could fit until i joined debate and learned how to put coherent arguments onto paper and then speech and then started winning trophies but more importantly attention and affirmation that yes im important and interesting and love me exclamation mark exclamation mark exclamation mark exclamation mark exclamation mark exclamation mark exclamation mark exclamation mark love me love me love me more than i love myself or loved myself ive always loved myself i think anyhow debate taught me a bit about structure and soon my ink bloodied all over the notebooks debate points that adventured all over the amazing lands margins i mean of my paper learnt how to be put in tightly placed lines that sometimes had horizontal arrows pointing out links between one piece of evidence to the next then one day while i was speaking well actually afterwards more than one person asked me what happened to the old me i used to have this special fire on the podium an untouchable energy spirituality youth exuberance passion exclamation marks times infinity and i told them that i was just trying to me more calm and logical and better and perfect and now i think thats more than slightly tragic but really more funny because now that i learnt how to put myself into a box i discovered again that i cant ****** fit what the hell so now im trying to write without any grammar or punctuation marks in order to get my heart out of my skeleton and my blood out of my veins and my being out of my body and maybe dissolve into the universe and be