Aug 2015
I've been missing you so much lately and initially these desperate feelings were dripping in shame. I felt embarrassed to see your name in every 'L' in sight, and to think of you when all of my duties of the day were over and my mind was roaming free at night.
Feelings forbidden, I know better than to reminisce and fantasize. I learned long ago that hope was just a comfy lie. I learned long ago that We were just a random time in both of our lives. A defective tree that would never bloom, no matter how much the rain fell and the sun shined...
there'd never be any fruit.
I know so much, I've grown so much, but still sometimes I can't help but wonder.
What if?
What if things would have worked out if I would've just stuck it out and gave you the benefit of the doubt? Being a man is hard, finding yourself is hard, life is hard. So many things that come between who you wanna be and who you are. So many questions. I know.
Being adopted is hard sometimes, I bet.
What if my patience hadn't run out and I wouldn't have run away...
I still paint you in my future, like I'm saving your place in line in my life because you have to come back.
I need you here.
I need to feel you again.
So many unanswered questions.
Who will I share my forever with?
Who will I smolder in passion with until I can't take more so I lay entangled (with you) overdosed on love and life and happiness?
How do I explain in my dreams to our [4] babies that they'll never have my nose, or your love for shoes, or my temperament and intelligence, because they will never be....
How do I silence the memories and restore my sanity.
How do I go on, officially, and finally, without you who is my happily ever.
How many poems until I really feel better.
If I could write you back into my life I'd pen all night, but no amount of rhymes and feelings and stanzas will give me what I want more than anything. You.
The thought of you doing it all again [but getting it right this time] with some other woman is enough to make me sick inside, so I don't think that thought too often. I know you're bound to someone else and probably me too. But...I still love you. Im still human.
Feelings forbidden, I know better than to reminisce and fantasize. I learned long ago that hope was just a comfy lie. I learned long ago that We were just a random time in both of our lives. A defective tree that would never bloom, no matter how much the rain fell and the sun shined...
there'd never be any fruit.
I know so much, I've grown so much, but still sometimes I can't help but wonder.
What if?
What if things would have worked out if I would've just stuck it out and gave you the benefit of the doubt? Being a man is hard, finding yourself is hard, life is hard. So many things that come between who you wanna be and who you are. So many questions. I know.
Being adopted is hard sometimes, I bet.
What if my patience hadn't run out and I wouldn't have run away...
I still paint you in my future, like I'm saving your place in line in my life because you have to come back.
I need you here.
I need to feel you again.
So many unanswered questions.
Who will I share my forever with?
Who will I smolder in passion with until I can't take more so I lay entangled (with you) overdosed on love and life and happiness?
How do I explain in my dreams to our [4] babies that they'll never have my nose, or your love for shoes, or my temperament and intelligence, because they will never be....
How do I silence the memories and restore my sanity.
How do I go on, officially, and finally, without you who is my happily ever.
How many poems until I really feel better.
If I could write you back into my life I'd pen all night, but no amount of rhymes and feelings and stanzas will give me what I want more than anything. You.
The thought of you doing it all again [but getting it right this time] with some other woman is enough to make me sick inside, so I don't think that thought too often. I know you're bound to someone else and probably me too. But...I still love you. Im still human.
This poem is for the human ones. Who turn to self expression when your friends have heard enough and you've suppressed so long you're sure to burst. Who can only be strong *most* of the time. It's okay to feel and to honor your feelings until you are satisfied.
