Last week if you asked me who I looked up to the most in the world, I would have told you my sister

But I saw her eyes scan her body
and watched the tears well up in her eyes as she would say
"I just hate being alone"

You don't get to pick your family
so God surrounded me with the mentally unstable
i joined the club, but it's okay
i fit in well

I told her she will not be alone forever
but her stubborn nature will not allow that

I see her pain and i watch her struggle
Mom, Dad, Mom, Dad

why does she resort to drugs i would ask?
when i should have been asking what could be better

this is a stage, this is a stage
who am i looking up to anymore?
she is who i vowed not to become

i don't like her very much anymore
every hug is accompanied by the smell of marijuana smoke
and every car ride is accompanied by that stupid boy

I am a year older now

My eyes now scan my body and i ask, "Why am i alone?"

"You're beautiful baby girl, don't let it get to your head" my mom would say
and a day later, "*******, you can go live with your father" would come out of her beautiful mouth i once admired so deeply

she is still beautiful
she is so ugly

I'm sorry Rachel I'm sorry
will you come get me?
I want to get away, too.

I admire you again
I understand your pain
what kind of a ****** up situation is this?!

WHAT DO I DO

i will not do what you did, no
i have learned a lot from you, sister

and i will appreciate you for that forever
always my role model

My sister isn't very sad anymore
I knew all along she was in a stage
so i continued to love her like i should have

She found love
and love, he is
and love her body, i do
she does
he does

How did she do this for so long
and stay so strong
with nobody there to hold her hand, like i am privileged

I will not do drugs, not very much anymore, at least
the escape is amazing
the high sends me away from the *******
so i will get away with you, sister
because i understand you now

i am 2 years older

i may be sad
i am sad
but i have you always

2,000 miles away
or 1 inch

It scares me to think another human being
can make your mind work backwards

But I can never un-know the truths of my mother's past
or un-see the scars of my sisters present

So I sat there wondering when my time will come, wondering
who will be the one to manipulate my mind to work backwards

so I hope you can understand why
sometimes I expect you to do your worst, while you continue to give me reasons to expect your best

Because, sister, you are the best

and do understand
i can see that

can you?