I’m off out down to town, I’m off out for the night
I’m dressed-up to the nines, oh what a lovely sight.
I’ve got my shiny shoes on, I’ll get in any place
I’ve got my brand-new suit on and my Durex just in case.

I’ve learnt a trendy dance this week I’m off down to the Ritz
I’ll spin and do the moon walk, might even try the splits.
I’ll pick me out a woman and pester her all night
I’ll tell her all about myself and set her heart a light.

Might by myself some bubbly, make them think I’m rich
All the girls will love me and the lads will all be sick.
I’ll wear my Rolex wrist watch and my golden belcher chain,
and my diamond studded cuff-links, might even take a cane.

I’ve been down to the barber’s, for a Kevin Keagan perm
I’ve been under the sunbed for a thirty minute burn.
I’ve plucked out all the hair, from my nose and my ears
I wear a leather G-string; got both ******* pierced.

I move like John Travolta, smile like Steve McQueen
there’s not one thing I’d alter I’m the perfect specimen.
I am a medical marvel, I am a bundle of fun
there’s no one else quite like me; I’m the special one.
The end