If I tell myself
that I don't care anymore
it saves me
the guilt
of burdening people with this illness lurking
in the depths of my soul
it saves me
the stomach aches
that manifest whenever jealousy decides to creep underneath my skin
causing tingly, warm sensations to fester so willingly
and it saves me
the hate that I have for myself because I know I will be responsible
for taking my own life someday
If I tell myself
that it doesn't matter anymore
I'm able to breathe again
because maybe I've forgotten how to
after all of these years
of rapid heartbeats and shortness of breath
And if I am able to forget about everything that happened in my past
then these scars are only as real as the blood on my skin
only as visible as their own pasts
But if I didn't care
and it didn't matter
and I was able to forget
then my strength would only be as strong
as my ever-changing imagination
that everything can be perfect
My story would only be as powerful
as the wet grass
after a thunderstorm that has ripped through a field
changing one type of day to a different one.
So for now,
I will rest
and dream
and realize that
forgetting is really remembering the pain
that caused you to never want to keep any memory
that had the ability to tarnish new ones.