my constant ricochet between happiness and utter sorrow is destroying me. My sadness comes in shades of black; there are no grays to even out the sadness that engulfs me.i cannot find the strength from within to stand on two strong feet and look my depression in the eye and tell her i am not putting up with it today. i involve myself in old habits when my bathroom floor is met as an old friend. i find myself rolled up in a ball at 2 am with only regret and tears in my hands. i let the harsh words roll off my tongue when i see myself in the mirror. the girl standing before me keeps trying to apologize for the mistakes those around her have made. she justifies them as her own fault and she cant keep a straight face when she talks about her own misery. i don't even know who she is. my best friend keeps reminding me that this isn't funny; keeps asking me why i'm laughing. i guess i don't know, there's a certain satisfaction in watching your world crumble and not having the slightest clue how to fix it. so, i sit with the group of guys talking about 'tripping *****' and 'getting so high they felt like they had two layers of skin.' i suppose we all have our own ways of dealing with the ever so faithful lover we call depression and i let myself believe that it hasn't gotten that bad yet. i still wake up everyday and go to work and smile and do all the things that would make my parents proud. because my well-being isn't determined by how much will it takes to put down the razor or how my bed always looks like the most inviting place. i find myself talking to a boy who continues to belittle me, continues to make me feel like only a choice. this is my own fault. i cannot let go of what's hurting me because it's making me feel alive and i realize how weak that makes me sound because my own pain is keeping me alive. my own pain is what helps me get out of bed in the morning. and i drive around all day and my only thought is how i want to lay in my bed and have everyone quiet down. depression has been a faithful lover and i have no idea how i might go about letting her go. so here i am in my dark room worrying about tomorrow and how that boy didn't text me back and i think i'm more messed up than i allow myself to believe these days.