Jul 2015
this is part 2 ;
Kyle was his name. And it couldn't have sounded any better next to mine. I always question people who are madly truly deeply in love, I always say have you ever loved someone so much that you stop caring about yourself? Or have you ever loved someone so much that you yourself feel weak giving them all of you but receive nothing in return? you see the love I had for Kyle was so genuine, so unique that I could literally stop whatever I was doing no matter how important just to make him happy. See that was my thing... His happiness, I always took that into consideration. I always wanted to be the reason that he smiled early in the morning, but more specifically late at night. I wanted Kyle to know and experience true love. I gave my all to him, literally. Anyways dropping everything I was doing, just for him was something I thought would make him happy or probably appreciate me even more rather than treating me like ****. My first love was the subject of every conversation I would have cause I was so happy to say that he was mine, but on the other hand while I'm calling him mine and getting butterflies in my stomach, and chills down my spine he's just calling me that girl as if i was meaningless to him. In fact to him I was nothing but "that girl", the girl he'd only come too when things didn't go his way with other females but I stuck by his side because I always loved that boy so much and I just allowed all of his wrong doings to continue and brushed them off. You see, Kyle was a big shot. He was the kinda guy you'd want around because he was super good looking, he was really funny and his personality made just about anyone feel welcomed. He was also a really big flirt, Kyle had broken my heart time and time again with his flirting but I didn't want to lose him, I still don't so I just kept brushing it off. I didn't want anyone else to love Kyle the way I did because I knew it wouldn't be as passionate, genuine or as sincere. Kyle didn't care though, he continued to do him and it shattered my heart. Have you ever literally felt your heart break? No? Well I have and it's one of the worst kinds of pain you could endure. I tried to tell Kyle that what he was doing was really hurting me but then we would just stop talking! I would be infuriated with him but it never lasted long because I would miss him. There were would be times where I would think about us and just say "I don't want him, I need him". And I would stop and say, without his love being there to generate my happiness I'm nothing. I loved him that much. I remember when I would just want Kyle just to put his pride aside and just tell me he loved me when I knew I loved him but that wasn't going to happen. I pushed back on telling him I loved him for 2 years because of us being on and off and also because I didn't want to make a fool of myself. When I finally did decide to tell Kyle I loved him, he already knew. He knew I was in love with him, but when he said it back it felt like fireworks on Fourth of July, like the excitement you get from buying new shoes, the joy of things finally falling into place. I was so content when he told me "I love you too Hillary". I couldn't believe it. But as weeks passed and the "I love you's" became consistent, something didn't feel right. It started to feel practiced almost as if it was like as if it was a chore. Kyle's I love yous became dryer and dryer as each day passed on. But I questioned what I was doing wrong. I didn't want Kyle to feel like he had to say it, I wanted him to say it because he truly meant it. I spent hours crying because of how much it hurt. I also thought back to the time when Kyle had a new love interest, that didn't last quite long about a good 2 months but he told her I loved you so soon and that's where I thought to myself... "Why did it take him so long to tell me this then?" I said to myself "oh Hillary you're just overreacting" but I knew deep down inside what was truly going on and I brushed it off. Truth was that it was so unbearable, I wouldn't wish this kinda hurt on anyone. I always made it obvious to Kyle when I was hurt or upset, of course I didn't have to because he always knew and he would always ask me "what's wrong baby" but I couldn't find it in me to say "you".
Kyle was his name. And it couldn't have sounded any better next to mine. I always question people who are madly truly deeply in love, I always say have you ever loved someone so much that you stop caring about yourself? Or have you ever loved someone so much that you yourself feel weak giving them all of you but receive nothing in return? you see the love I had for Kyle was so genuine, so unique that I could literally stop whatever I was doing no matter how important just to make him happy. See that was my thing... His happiness, I always took that into consideration. I always wanted to be the reason that he smiled early in the morning, but more specifically late at night. I wanted Kyle to know and experience true love. I gave my all to him, literally. Anyways dropping everything I was doing, just for him was something I thought would make him happy or probably appreciate me even more rather than treating me like ****. My first love was the subject of every conversation I would have cause I was so happy to say that he was mine, but on the other hand while I'm calling him mine and getting butterflies in my stomach, and chills down my spine he's just calling me that girl as if i was meaningless to him. In fact to him I was nothing but "that girl", the girl he'd only come too when things didn't go his way with other females but I stuck by his side because I always loved that boy so much and I just allowed all of his wrong doings to continue and brushed them off. You see, Kyle was a big shot. He was the kinda guy you'd want around because he was super good looking, he was really funny and his personality made just about anyone feel welcomed. He was also a really big flirt, Kyle had broken my heart time and time again with his flirting but I didn't want to lose him, I still don't so I just kept brushing it off. I didn't want anyone else to love Kyle the way I did because I knew it wouldn't be as passionate, genuine or as sincere. Kyle didn't care though, he continued to do him and it shattered my heart. Have you ever literally felt your heart break? No? Well I have and it's one of the worst kinds of pain you could endure. I tried to tell Kyle that what he was doing was really hurting me but then we would just stop talking! I would be infuriated with him but it never lasted long because I would miss him. There were would be times where I would think about us and just say "I don't want him, I need him". And I would stop and say, without his love being there to generate my happiness I'm nothing. I loved him that much. I remember when I would just want Kyle just to put his pride aside and just tell me he loved me when I knew I loved him but that wasn't going to happen. I pushed back on telling him I loved him for 2 years because of us being on and off and also because I didn't want to make a fool of myself. When I finally did decide to tell Kyle I loved him, he already knew. He knew I was in love with him, but when he said it back it felt like fireworks on Fourth of July, like the excitement you get from buying new shoes, the joy of things finally falling into place. I was so content when he told me "I love you too Hillary". I couldn't believe it. But as weeks passed and the "I love you's" became consistent, something didn't feel right. It started to feel practiced almost as if it was like as if it was a chore. Kyle's I love yous became dryer and dryer as each day passed on. But I questioned what I was doing wrong. I didn't want Kyle to feel like he had to say it, I wanted him to say it because he truly meant it. I spent hours crying because of how much it hurt. I also thought back to the time when Kyle had a new love interest, that didn't last quite long about a good 2 months but he told her I loved you so soon and that's where I thought to myself... "Why did it take him so long to tell me this then?" I said to myself "oh Hillary you're just overreacting" but I knew deep down inside what was truly going on and I brushed it off. Truth was that it was so unbearable, I wouldn't wish this kinda hurt on anyone. I always made it obvious to Kyle when I was hurt or upset, of course I didn't have to because he always knew and he would always ask me "what's wrong baby" but I couldn't find it in me to say "you".
