I don’t know how to describe it, but it’s an illness of which I’m sure,
Like an enemy that hunts you down long after the close of war,
I’ve laid witness and seen things that never should be seen
I’ve rushed head first in to those places where no-one should ever be

The destruction, the chaos, the total despair
The heat and the smells and the weight of the air
Its burden on the soul, right down to my very core
Could I have been quicker, slicker and could I have done more

Did I do the right thing and could I have worked faster
Is there anything more I could have done to mitigate disaster

And the effect on me is laying here totally beaten and broken
Like all the demons in the soul have through horror been awoken

Flashbacks of the moments, reconstructing in my head
Feeling like I’m still right there when I slip in to my bed
Then when I finally get to sleep still residing in my dreams
The images inescapable, the smell, the sight the screams

I live to be plain angry and I can’t explain what at
I try to bring a calm in me but stumble, trip, fall flat
And the emotions, my God, I don’t even know why
There’s no control, there’s only me to hide away and cry

I need to shout and scream out loud for loving and your help
But shy away and find a place, stay quiet, isolate myself
For the rotting buried deep inside is a weakness I conceal
Which no-one needs to know about while I hope to slowly heal

Pain and hurt consumes me, won’t let my soul be free
And makes me question my vocation, is this the job for me
The hurts’ evolved, a soul cruelly torn and I begin to fall apart
‘till no longer can I suppress the pain, it’s too much for one man’s heart

Others begin to notice that something’s not quite right
And I have to face the awful truth that it’s time to share the fight
I understand I see it now that it’s not weakness that I carry
I may be ill, affected, hurt, but I must strive to live life happy

Getting help from those I trust isn’t a sign of lack of strength
I’ll dig deep and demonstrate I don’t lack in purpose and sense

Because I’m a tough guy fireman, I’m not detached from what I see
You see the uniform, you imagine heroics but what of the human side of me
To talk about my pain and hurt is the best I ever did
I’m fired up, a stronger man standing tall on the starting grid
The burden is lightening, the images fade away
And I look towards a better place and hope for another day

So hard it was, to take that step and allow other persons in
Which was all I needed to move ahead and allow recovery to begin

So I’ve tried hard to describe it, this pain known as PTSD
And heed the words I wrote above but it’s not the biggest part of me

For I am made of many parts that blow like leaves ‘cross seasons
And raising the stricken from the carnage of hell is my life, my truth, my reason.