Jul 2015
I haven't spoken to anyone in a month, maybe more; I've been drifting from town to town, state to state, walking until I'm too tired to walk any more, then walking a little more.
The last person I talked to try to **** me.
I no longer hitchhike.
"Excuse me, son." Some old ******* says, standing over me as I write this. "Unless you're gonna buy something, You can't stay."
It usually takes about 3 minutes for them to crack onto me, and about 4 minutes for me to be kicked out of a cafe, diner, -anywhere-.
I just look at him, nod, and go about my way.
When I first got here, I trusted strangers. I thought people were basically good, but that's changed now. Nobody ever does something kind without an ulterior motive, period.
Even priests are just trying to get into heaven.
I have no home. No family, no friends.
I find my company in ***** looks from strangers and in the nightly harassment I receive from the best humanity has to offer.
I can't complain too much, though. I have everything I need.
I have food, provided by the complimentary roadside trashcans.
Thankfully, someone always seems to have thrown out some bread that they think is poison because it's a day-or-so passed its expiry date.
It's an acquired taste, I'll say that much, but it's not poison.
Though I tend to avoid the milk.
Every time I see myself through the reflection of a car window, or a public restroom mirror, I seem to have grown a little more frail and gaunt than the last time.
No grandmother could ever pinch these cheeks, and a hug from me would result in some kind of bruising.
I feel like 2 dimensional.
Like a stickman.
Like one of those cartoons you draw on the corners of the pages of a boring book. Flicking the pages backwards and forwards, and making the stickman do his little dance.
No direction.
No end.
No purpose.
"Hey ******, how much for a *******?"
I turn around to see two guys in a car peering over at me, driving slowly at the pace of my walking.
Ive been so lost in my own personal ramblings it seems I've stumbled into the wrong part of town again.
Not that I've been here before. Every town has its own part where you shouldn't walk.
"You hear me ******?"
The guy talking is wearing a flipped baseball cap and has a thin moustache. His sidekick is riding shotgun, he too wearing a backwards-facing baseball cap
I notice a small figure rummaging through the trash down the alley.
A girl.
She's wearing a very worn hoody, with a hat, and some shoes that look like they don't quite fit.
Someone like me?
"Hey!" I shout, my voice breaking.
I had forgotten what my own voice sounded like.
She drops the lid of the trash can, and her eyes dart straight to me. She is on edge. She says nothing and just looks back at me. Her eyes shining in the moonlight, like a lost puppy.
I want to take her in.
She looks around 22, round 5feet tall, slender, with threads of golden hair poking out the edges of her skullcap. I can't make out the colour of her eyes. Green, grey, or hazel, maybe.
"Hey, what's your name? Are you looking for food?"
I approach her slowly, trying to appear non-hostile.
As I get closer, she nods her head, still on edge.
She has blue eyes.
"It's okay. I'm harmless. Can I know your name? I'm Shawn."
I start to reach out my hand. I want to just hold her close and tell her it's alright. I want to keep her safe and warm in this cold world. I want to-
"Don't come any closer!" She screams, pulling out a sharpened toothbrush and pointing it at me with both hands.
I stop.
I can see that she is like me. Too much, in fact; which means there's no real way of convincing her that I'm not going to hurt her.
I begin to walk back slowly, with the urge to say something to make her trust me, but nothing comes out.
Already I find myself back into the roadside as she fades into the shadows, gone. The sounds of the trashcan rustling in the alley serves as a depressing reminder that even those who are like me will not let me into their world.
Already I am alone again.
She had blue eyes.
I've been wandering aimlessly for maybe 400 days now.
I stopped counting after a year.
I have no idea what I'm looking for, or why I started in the first place.
Blue like a cloudless sky
What am I trying to escape that could be worse than this?
Blue like the vast ocean
Maybe I'm not trying to escape. Maybe I'm searching for something.
But what?
The last person I talked to try to **** me.
I no longer hitchhike.
"Excuse me, son." Some old ******* says, standing over me as I write this. "Unless you're gonna buy something, You can't stay."
It usually takes about 3 minutes for them to crack onto me, and about 4 minutes for me to be kicked out of a cafe, diner, -anywhere-.
I just look at him, nod, and go about my way.
When I first got here, I trusted strangers. I thought people were basically good, but that's changed now. Nobody ever does something kind without an ulterior motive, period.
Even priests are just trying to get into heaven.
I have no home. No family, no friends.
I find my company in ***** looks from strangers and in the nightly harassment I receive from the best humanity has to offer.
I can't complain too much, though. I have everything I need.
I have food, provided by the complimentary roadside trashcans.
Thankfully, someone always seems to have thrown out some bread that they think is poison because it's a day-or-so passed its expiry date.
It's an acquired taste, I'll say that much, but it's not poison.
Though I tend to avoid the milk.
Every time I see myself through the reflection of a car window, or a public restroom mirror, I seem to have grown a little more frail and gaunt than the last time.
No grandmother could ever pinch these cheeks, and a hug from me would result in some kind of bruising.
I feel like 2 dimensional.
Like a stickman.
Like one of those cartoons you draw on the corners of the pages of a boring book. Flicking the pages backwards and forwards, and making the stickman do his little dance.
No direction.
No end.
No purpose.
"Hey ******, how much for a *******?"
I turn around to see two guys in a car peering over at me, driving slowly at the pace of my walking.
Ive been so lost in my own personal ramblings it seems I've stumbled into the wrong part of town again.
Not that I've been here before. Every town has its own part where you shouldn't walk.
"You hear me ******?"
The guy talking is wearing a flipped baseball cap and has a thin moustache. His sidekick is riding shotgun, he too wearing a backwards-facing baseball cap
I notice a small figure rummaging through the trash down the alley.
A girl.
She's wearing a very worn hoody, with a hat, and some shoes that look like they don't quite fit.
Someone like me?
"Hey!" I shout, my voice breaking.
I had forgotten what my own voice sounded like.
She drops the lid of the trash can, and her eyes dart straight to me. She is on edge. She says nothing and just looks back at me. Her eyes shining in the moonlight, like a lost puppy.
I want to take her in.
She looks around 22, round 5feet tall, slender, with threads of golden hair poking out the edges of her skullcap. I can't make out the colour of her eyes. Green, grey, or hazel, maybe.
"Hey, what's your name? Are you looking for food?"
I approach her slowly, trying to appear non-hostile.
As I get closer, she nods her head, still on edge.
She has blue eyes.
"It's okay. I'm harmless. Can I know your name? I'm Shawn."
I start to reach out my hand. I want to just hold her close and tell her it's alright. I want to keep her safe and warm in this cold world. I want to-
"Don't come any closer!" She screams, pulling out a sharpened toothbrush and pointing it at me with both hands.
I stop.
I can see that she is like me. Too much, in fact; which means there's no real way of convincing her that I'm not going to hurt her.
I begin to walk back slowly, with the urge to say something to make her trust me, but nothing comes out.
Already I find myself back into the roadside as she fades into the shadows, gone. The sounds of the trashcan rustling in the alley serves as a depressing reminder that even those who are like me will not let me into their world.
Already I am alone again.
She had blue eyes.
I've been wandering aimlessly for maybe 400 days now.
I stopped counting after a year.
I have no idea what I'm looking for, or why I started in the first place.
Blue like a cloudless sky
What am I trying to escape that could be worse than this?
Blue like the vast ocean
Maybe I'm not trying to escape. Maybe I'm searching for something.
But what?
