Jul 2015
The first time we met, I was a ******* wreck. I wore lounge pants, a tie-dye shirt, and an old hoodie. I might have had tears in my eyes because I was so **** tired of carrying the weight of the world in every part of my being and letting it control me. That is why I came to you- so that you could be my sort of savior, you could lighten my load with the wisdom of your words, the strength of your soul, the kindness of your heart. You wore a pink shirt, and I thought you looked a bit fierce. But the moment your voice carried your name to my ears, I could feel the gentleness that hid beneath the surface.
That was the beginning of the hurricane that is my unending love for you.
For you this would be a learning experience, the practicum needed to get those three prestigious letters after your name. For me, this would be my only hope of recovery, a life-raft thrown into the dark and murky waters that were drowning me. I put all my faith in you, and for that I was foolish, but what else can you do when it feels like the rest of the world has turned its back on you, and yet here in this little office, I had your full attention. Daily, your thoughtful green eyes would fix upon me, though I had the hardest time meeting them with mine. I’m awkward like that, I told you once.
There were a few things that you would say time and time again…
“I appreciate that honesty.”
“I’m worried about you.”
and of course the cliché, “how does that make you feel?”
But there was another word, a mysterious one that you always said. “Beautiful”. To you, everything was beautiful. I told you my views about divinity and you said “that’s a beautiful way to look at it.” I wrote three pages worth of final words to you and you said “that’s a beautiful letter.” I asked you what you thought about me and you said “you have a beautiful soul.”
Every Friday at three o’clock, I could tell you without a doubt that our souls did a little dance together.
When I was with you, I could not help smiling. I would talk about the most painful things of my life, and my voice would rasp and break. But on my face there was always this smile as if you had cast a spell on me. You wanted me to show some emotion, but for you, I had built a wall. Like everyone else in my life, I had to protect you from myself.
The last time we had our little soul-dance was the first time you saw me cry. It was right after you confirmed to me that that was indeed the last time. It was right before I lost my mind and almost lost everything else. it was when I asked you for your hand, despite the red tape that forbade such a request to be granted. It was when the air in the room was thicker than bricks with pain and regret and above all, loss. It was a moment I wanted so badly to end, but one of many moments with you that I will remember forever.
The whole ten weeks I fell as hard as a meteor for you. The whole ten weeks, I was in the most ridiculous denial. As soon as I was able to say to myself, “****, I love him,” my life was never the same.
I have never been so in love with someone as I am with you. But I have never been so angry with someone as I am with you. I think about it now, and I realize; we went on a journey for months- an emotional, difficult, and intimate journey. And now I feel like I have come to the end of our path and the only thing I have left is a broken heart. The whole time, you were getting too close. You and your ******* beautiful green eyes- oh and that word. Beautiful. I wonder why you said that to me so much. Were you trying to tell me something? Was it a slip of the mind? You told me once that you struggled with the boundaries. When I asked you why we were terminating you did one of those “and… yeah” things. The whole time, you kept talking about our relationship, but was it really the therapeutic alliance you were referring to? You twisted me through your fingers like play-dough and now I am here, a *** of a bunch of colors that don’t go together and it’s all because of you. How can I blame myself for this?
In the research, they call it “****** transference”. But is it fair to say that? Should we really just boil it all down to a science and just brush it off as a technicality? No. It’s not that simple, but it’s not that complex either- you have my heart, it is in pieces, and it will be that way for the rest of my life.
That was the beginning of the hurricane that is my unending love for you.
For you this would be a learning experience, the practicum needed to get those three prestigious letters after your name. For me, this would be my only hope of recovery, a life-raft thrown into the dark and murky waters that were drowning me. I put all my faith in you, and for that I was foolish, but what else can you do when it feels like the rest of the world has turned its back on you, and yet here in this little office, I had your full attention. Daily, your thoughtful green eyes would fix upon me, though I had the hardest time meeting them with mine. I’m awkward like that, I told you once.
There were a few things that you would say time and time again…
“I appreciate that honesty.”
“I’m worried about you.”
and of course the cliché, “how does that make you feel?”
But there was another word, a mysterious one that you always said. “Beautiful”. To you, everything was beautiful. I told you my views about divinity and you said “that’s a beautiful way to look at it.” I wrote three pages worth of final words to you and you said “that’s a beautiful letter.” I asked you what you thought about me and you said “you have a beautiful soul.”
Every Friday at three o’clock, I could tell you without a doubt that our souls did a little dance together.
When I was with you, I could not help smiling. I would talk about the most painful things of my life, and my voice would rasp and break. But on my face there was always this smile as if you had cast a spell on me. You wanted me to show some emotion, but for you, I had built a wall. Like everyone else in my life, I had to protect you from myself.
The last time we had our little soul-dance was the first time you saw me cry. It was right after you confirmed to me that that was indeed the last time. It was right before I lost my mind and almost lost everything else. it was when I asked you for your hand, despite the red tape that forbade such a request to be granted. It was when the air in the room was thicker than bricks with pain and regret and above all, loss. It was a moment I wanted so badly to end, but one of many moments with you that I will remember forever.
The whole ten weeks I fell as hard as a meteor for you. The whole ten weeks, I was in the most ridiculous denial. As soon as I was able to say to myself, “****, I love him,” my life was never the same.
I have never been so in love with someone as I am with you. But I have never been so angry with someone as I am with you. I think about it now, and I realize; we went on a journey for months- an emotional, difficult, and intimate journey. And now I feel like I have come to the end of our path and the only thing I have left is a broken heart. The whole time, you were getting too close. You and your ******* beautiful green eyes- oh and that word. Beautiful. I wonder why you said that to me so much. Were you trying to tell me something? Was it a slip of the mind? You told me once that you struggled with the boundaries. When I asked you why we were terminating you did one of those “and… yeah” things. The whole time, you kept talking about our relationship, but was it really the therapeutic alliance you were referring to? You twisted me through your fingers like play-dough and now I am here, a *** of a bunch of colors that don’t go together and it’s all because of you. How can I blame myself for this?
In the research, they call it “****** transference”. But is it fair to say that? Should we really just boil it all down to a science and just brush it off as a technicality? No. It’s not that simple, but it’s not that complex either- you have my heart, it is in pieces, and it will be that way for the rest of my life.
