Chris Lafleur wrote a new note: fighting myself

12 hrs · 

im a mess and im aware of it
thanks for noticing,
but for some reason i cant find it in me to quit
cause every time is my last,
followed by relapse
typical cycle for anybody with this type of tolerance
still i keep making excuses, to give into temptation.
like its friday, or im single or i enjoy the conversation.
but the attention im getting, is negative
and consists of alterior motives 
the people that surround me, are pathetic and desperate 
we just share an addiction that controls our every action, predictable, insane , and defined by our habits
yet i still struggle to overcome it 
because satisfaction is so comforting
I crave a fix thats so damaging
yet i continue abusing myself and neglecting the side effects

its been so long that iv adapted amongst the monsters
and brought myself to accept it 
i understand the effects its had on my life 
and still cant change, 
i mean i try constantly, and have the right idea
just seem to fail repeatedly, and its becoming discouraging to never acheive whats expected from me 
Ive earned a bad reputation that i carry with me
everywhere i go, and its obvious im not a model citizen

not that im bad person ,i posses a kind heart , a beautiful mind, and the ability to be what i chose
i beleive in god and i try to do whats right
its society that doesnt agree 
they say im sick, confused , selfish , or bad 
this was not my intention when i began on this mission
and i never ment to hurt anybody?
yet i hv a book full of victims
that cant understand how i reason
in my defense i was curious, it all started as an experience but i underestimated the consequences that are associated with the sensation
sharing pills with my friends and creating memories
seemed beneficial at the time being
but now i see it was toxic and i was only bringing everyone down, a bad influence disguised in desire
destroying relationships and hurting each other 

so i cant be sick since that implys theres a cure 
more like twisted and stuck in reverse
and i cant escape this place since its myself that im avoiding
a problem thats affecting my entire existance.
ive forgotten how to smile without being under the influence, and loves become just a word i use to my advantage that i abuse amongst women to have *** without meaning, cause i do enjoy the company means i must contain misery 


so at this point im sensless 
incapable of feelings, without inducing them artificially
ive lost all direction,and theres no signs pointing towards the exits, 
just time wasted standing in the same position
Searching for somewhere i can feel wanted
a paradise,where i can be accepted for who i am
but without a clue how to get there i stumble through life without a destination in sight 
im lost in the darkness, and cant remember how i got here
i understand that its not right, and do appreciate the concern 
but in the end this is my life and i have to find the light on my own terms