Jul 2015
Welcome to my prison cell.
Here there is only darkness. It is cold, it is harsh, it is my everything. I am alone here, because no one else holds themselves captive the way I do, no one else is held by their own shackles in the depths of their own loneliness, no one else has committed a crime so terrible that they deserve to go to this prison, it’s just me. Alone. All the time.
The bars are not made of the rusty metal that most are made of, no, the bars are people. They are the friends who have told me to stick around, the family who have told me to hang in there, the therapists who have told me to have a little faith. They are God and Christ. They are the hundreds of people I have yet to meet, have yet to save from the fate I am facing, have yet to pour my love to. The love I refuse to give myself, let myself taste just one time. They hold me back, despite how hard I grab them and shake them, they are unbreakable.
On the other side of the humanoid bars there is a light, a warmth. There is a never-ending summer in heaven that promises to free me from my chains should I break free from the cell, should I make that choice. Freedom. That is all I crave, all I need. It is all on the other side, right in front of me, beckoning.
But I know that I am stuck in the cell.
Every ******* day the warden comes to me and gives me these pills to make it a little warmer and brighter, you see this chemical reaction has gone awry, too much of this, not enough of that, too much manipulation, not enough love, too much heartbreak, not enough hope. The antidepressants burst on the scene like superheroes but these are not their kind of bad guys, this is not about the glitches in the wiring of my brain, this is about the demons that live in my soul, deeper than the blood that runs through my veins, carrying these peacemakers in vain to the neurons that are still at war.
My cell is decorated with the ugliest ******* wallpaper I have ever seen. Sometimes I get to tear it off, piece by piece. Sometimes it comes off in chunks and I make the greatest self-discoveries I could never have imagined. Sometimes it comes off in little shreds and leaves behind a chunky adhesive and I have gotten nowhere, I am stuck again.
I remember the time I almost broke free. When I fell from the ropes I had ******* in my little dorm room and I heard a knock at my door. I failed. Just like I fail at everything else, I failed to die. But I remember the beauty of that moment, when I sat next to my friend and all he could do was smile. In that moment, he was not just another bar holding me in my prison, he was a single window on the wall through which I could see everything that was good and true and beautiful. The reminder that I was not an undeserved burden to the world, but that the world wants me, and I need to want it back.
Every day, I am faced with a choice between two muses. One of them invites me to live another day, it tells me that there is something worth living for- another sunset, another chai tea, another hug from someone who saw that I really needed one. It opens its arms and opens the doors to the rest of my life and the dreams that lie beyond the threshold. The other hands me the key to my cell so I can unlock it anytime and run into the light that is not of this world. But I put it down. I choose life. I make a home in this cell and one day, I hope it becomes something beautiful.
Here there is only darkness. It is cold, it is harsh, it is my everything. I am alone here, because no one else holds themselves captive the way I do, no one else is held by their own shackles in the depths of their own loneliness, no one else has committed a crime so terrible that they deserve to go to this prison, it’s just me. Alone. All the time.
The bars are not made of the rusty metal that most are made of, no, the bars are people. They are the friends who have told me to stick around, the family who have told me to hang in there, the therapists who have told me to have a little faith. They are God and Christ. They are the hundreds of people I have yet to meet, have yet to save from the fate I am facing, have yet to pour my love to. The love I refuse to give myself, let myself taste just one time. They hold me back, despite how hard I grab them and shake them, they are unbreakable.
On the other side of the humanoid bars there is a light, a warmth. There is a never-ending summer in heaven that promises to free me from my chains should I break free from the cell, should I make that choice. Freedom. That is all I crave, all I need. It is all on the other side, right in front of me, beckoning.
But I know that I am stuck in the cell.
Every ******* day the warden comes to me and gives me these pills to make it a little warmer and brighter, you see this chemical reaction has gone awry, too much of this, not enough of that, too much manipulation, not enough love, too much heartbreak, not enough hope. The antidepressants burst on the scene like superheroes but these are not their kind of bad guys, this is not about the glitches in the wiring of my brain, this is about the demons that live in my soul, deeper than the blood that runs through my veins, carrying these peacemakers in vain to the neurons that are still at war.
My cell is decorated with the ugliest ******* wallpaper I have ever seen. Sometimes I get to tear it off, piece by piece. Sometimes it comes off in chunks and I make the greatest self-discoveries I could never have imagined. Sometimes it comes off in little shreds and leaves behind a chunky adhesive and I have gotten nowhere, I am stuck again.
I remember the time I almost broke free. When I fell from the ropes I had ******* in my little dorm room and I heard a knock at my door. I failed. Just like I fail at everything else, I failed to die. But I remember the beauty of that moment, when I sat next to my friend and all he could do was smile. In that moment, he was not just another bar holding me in my prison, he was a single window on the wall through which I could see everything that was good and true and beautiful. The reminder that I was not an undeserved burden to the world, but that the world wants me, and I need to want it back.
Every day, I am faced with a choice between two muses. One of them invites me to live another day, it tells me that there is something worth living for- another sunset, another chai tea, another hug from someone who saw that I really needed one. It opens its arms and opens the doors to the rest of my life and the dreams that lie beyond the threshold. The other hands me the key to my cell so I can unlock it anytime and run into the light that is not of this world. But I put it down. I choose life. I make a home in this cell and one day, I hope it becomes something beautiful.
