I am tired.
I am tired of
hating you
envying you
despising you
But I am mostly tired
of remembering you.
I am tired
of breaking my heart
every time I look in the past.
I am tired of remembering how
sweet
the taste of first love is.
I am tired
of not being able to like anyone else
Beyond the physical
And I am tired
of not feeling for anyone else
And I am tired of realizing this all over again.
I am tired of looking at your happy faces.
I am tired of remembering how happy I should have been all the time
And of how happy I was some of the time.
I am tired of people telling me
All this bogus stuff.
About how you aren't the same person
Not the one I loved.
And I am tired of putting up this front.
And I am tired of hoping maybe I'll find happiness again too.
I want to want someone with innocence again.
I want to share things with them in a shy way
And I want to hold hands and watch the shadows of it.
I want to have a gentle first kiss.
I want someone to pull me back towards them after I kiss them on the cheek,
So that they can kiss me fully on the mouth.
I want someone to love me again as purely as you did.
I want someone to care for me.
And I want to be able to give that back finally.
But I'm broken.
But I'm foolish.
But I am young.
But now is the time for me finally.
Because I want those things but I want so much more too.
I want every experience I can get
Because I desperately don't want to be the one
Who is "43 and still waiting for my life to start."
So yes, I want all these things
And yes, sometimes I hate you
And yes, sometimes I cry because I don't have you.
And yes, I am not sure I will ever be able to love again.
And yes, I am sure that you will always be stronger than me now.
And yes, I know you'll  be in love without me for the rest of your life.
And yes, this isn't how I expected to end this poem.
But I think it might just be better than the ending I was feeling.