She was there, as she always seemed to be,
Reading a textbook and blocking out the world.
And I was there, as I always seemed to be,
Waiting patiently for someone to come and talk to me,
As though someone would choose to talk to me
Willingly, of her own accord, as if there were nothing better.

So this was the way things went between us
For a few weeks and then maybe a month more.

But then Christmas was nearing and
We all knew exactly what that was code for:
Gift-giving. And, that is a code in itself for:
Who really is a friend?, and ,who
Is nothing more than someone who takes up space
That you use only so you don’t have to feel lonely?

See, it determines if that person sees you as someone worth value
Or as someone who is a warm body and a friendly face, if that.

Simply put, and this is not a lie,
From me, she received a hand-painted
Ornament that had her name on it
With block letters that,
Inside, were filled with a pattern that she,
Herself, had specifically chosen.

It is really important to mention right now that I
Didn’t expect something from her. It wasn’t something that was necessary.

But low and behold, she had to go ahead and get me something,
Likely to satisfy her egotistical need.
What did she get me? A tin full of candy.
Now, I realize that doesn’t sound awful.
But the thing is: I put in a lot of time and care into what I gave
While she didn’t have to do much more than go to the store.

Why does this matter? She blatantly gave another gift to another friend
Of hers; it was a customized, lovely, thoughtful gift.

I essentially got a gift card.
Do you know how much thought goes into that?
None. None at all.
Sure, you have to choose the right place.
But you really don’t.
Because it can be easily converted into cash.

Anyhow, this began the slow realization that I didn’t mean anything to her at all,
That I really was that ugly fat friend that no one really wanted.

It confirmed that I was worthless
Last resort at best and then
Maybe in the top thousand
On a decent day when things
Seemed to be going my way.
And she was more to me, I realize.

It was incredibly destructive, I’m  aware
To care so much about someone who doesn’t give a **** about you.

But I thought that maybe it was a fluke
That it was simply because she wasn’t expecting
The very thought out gift that I had given to her.
I believed that it was because I had simply
Caught her off guard, and had she had more time,
I would have gotten something that was comparable.

Now, I know that a gift is a gift and that I have no right to complain about it
But, frankly, no gift at all is so much better to me than some plain old thing.

That was simply the first event in
A long series of events that
Did very little more than
Destroy a friendship that already
Was quite brittle and fragile,
Simply delicate on a good day
And “handle with care” at best.

Yet, I tried to salvage it because I thought that I was making a big deal of nothing.
I don’t want to let something go down without a fight. But how much will it take?