I have no idea what to write
For the first time since I began poetry.
All of the thoughts inside of my head,
Are as clear to me as a pitch black night.
A night void of stars and the moon,
There is no sound,
And not a soul to be found,
Save me, all alone.
This is how I am all of the time,
Except when I am with Kristen.
I’ve never wanted to be with anyone more,
She is the only light in my dark, dark world.
The problem is that I don’t know,
How to show her that I care,
Without freaking her out and making
Things harder for her than they already are.
All I want to do is be able to hold her,
Be with her,
And tell her how much I love her.
I have made myself so vulnerable to her,
That she could take my very soul,
In the palm of her hand
And extinguish it totally and completely.
It would be easier for her to do so
Than it would be for her
To do anything else.
She knows that I care,
And that I want to be with her,
But she has problems of her own
And I don’t want to add to them
Anymore than I already have.
I am inexperienced I this area,
I don’t know what to do.
All I know is that I hurt
When she does;
It’s hard for me to breathe
When she is not there by me.
I constantly think about her
And if she is well and safe.
I wonder around purposelessly
In my life regarding
Anything but her.
I want to change everything I am,
To suit her wants and needs.
I want to give her everything that I have
And be everything for her.
I want to hug her,
Hold her,
Kiss her,
Be with her,
Love her.
I am so confused
By everything that’s going on
And it doesn’t seem to be
Getting any better any time soon.
It’s all my fault for
This pain I am in.
I am a fool,
For thinking I could be everything for her,
When she is the one I am now dependant upon.
My mind is going so fast
That I can’t even understand
A hundredth of what
Is going on inside of it.
The little that I do understand
Is so painful that I block it out.
What I do understand is this:
I don’t deserve her,
It would be better for her if I let her go.
All of my pain is struggling to
Escape and I fear it soon will.
My carefully crafted personality is
Crumbling beneath the weight of everything
That is going on in my life.
It seems as though my entire body
Is tearing itself apart
Mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally.
I am trying to take on the pain
Of Julie’s and Kristen’s
Because I care so much,
And that is the only reason I have
Lasted so long.
Taking on their pain
Blocks out the pain I am going
Through and insulates me from the real world.
It seems as though things can’t get better
Because they have become so terrible.
My life seems to be ruled by pain, anger, and sadness.
I still don’t know what to do and no matter how hard I try,
It feels like I can never succeed
But I can only fail miserably.
I cannot give up, though,
Because that would give Julie and Kristen
Permission to give up.
And they cannot give up
Because they have a chance to do
Great things in life.
I don’t understand why I am so
Influential on their lives.
I am such an insignificant being that nothing
Would change in the world
If I had never came to be.
I have affected people’s lives only for the worse
By bringing my problems and putting them out there
For other people to see.
I have made my problems
Other people’s problems and I can no longer
Continue to do that.
My conscious will no longer
Allow me to destroy everyone’s life
The way I have been since I was born.
It must end now…..