the last thing i thought
before i fell into that
sleep of the ******
that only 40 pills and over
a thousand mg can provide

i realized that
even before i had started writing
about you
that i wouldn’t be able to write
about you

and that scared me even
more than the thought that i would
never be held again
because to me the written word
is more powerful than any touch

and i never got a chance
to thank you
because i really am thankful
for your not letting me through the pearly gates
even though i smashed my knuckles raw

i smashed my hands until
bone stuck out through my tattered skin
******
and still you did not heed my calls
my pleas to let me in

and when i woke up
later that night
and then again and again
at first i was angry
but now i am thankful

and i am never going to
be able to thank you
and that makes me angry all over again
but mostly sad
an endless cycle

i am the top that is
endlessly spinning around the ghost
of your name on my tongue
i long to be in your presence again
please come back

but really
thank you for not opening the door
but when it really is my time
i hope that you will open up the door wide
and welcome me home with a smile