I saw you today,
in the mirror behind me
you were there.
Stature strong and unrelenting-
I saw my innocence flash before my eyes.
Someone looked like you at work-
he smiled at me and said table for 3
my jaw clenching and my mind went blank.
My feet took a while to move
and I don't even remember what happened next.
Flashbacks followed by panic attacks
the man who stole my childhood
flooded my eyes over and over again.
I tried not to cry.
Not to let him ruin my day.
It wasn't him. It wasn't him.
It felt like him.
I clenched my fists
and let the memories flood my mind
I let them continue their journey
like it was a bad acid trip I had to get through-
my mind was making me feel everything again
and I hadn't felt that low in a while.
Repression was in my nature
and I painted a plain-pale happy face
for everyone who came into the door.
Table for 2-
2 months of flashbacks everyday at age 16
Table for 4 please-
4 years it took to cope with what happened to me.
Table for 7-
The age you took away my innocence.
When he finally left the memories were still there
the pain in my gut still demanded to be heard-
regurgitation of memories and my breakfast
all at the same time.
You have never left me.
The memory of you is still sharp inside my mind
every single day of my life
and I hate that you did this to me.
You took away my childhood
and you ******* my future too-
but I won't let you control me
won't let these emotions take a toll on me
because I'm tired of fighting these memories.
Good days can turn so quickly
just with the thought of you near me
in the musty basement
where the dark was your only friend-
and the sunlight from the cracked door
painted out my future for me on the floor
the dust particles made a slow silhouette
and danced through the air
My child-like mind at the time
had to focus on things like that
so I wouldn't realize the cruelty.
So now every time heartache or tragedy
follows me into the dark alleys of my mind-
I am reminded that is where I will find you
ready to steal my innocence again
like it's my lunch money
and I didn't think I could ever stop you
never thought the images of you would fade away
but I know they will one day-
when the heartache stops
and the pains reaches its peek
I will no longer be weak
and you will no longer be a dark alley corner
of my own mind.
I just have to find my sanity again-
some day I will find that little girl
and teach her how to love better
the kind without flashbacks
or anxiety ridden panic attacks
no fear of abandonment-
just love and helping hand.
One day I will find the scars
and the memories so ****** beautiful.
It is then I will realize I am beautiful too
no matter how many dark things
my mind must go through-
I am worthy of happiness.