Forgiveness chills
  

I’m lying in my bed the yellow lights are off

My television is on but I’m listing to my radio

Wearing

Black basketball shorts and a white T-shirt

Feeling kind of sick in my heart

I’ve been passing away for years

But I’m afraid to share my fears

To anyone most people don’t care about what I have to say

Especially if it’s about my problems

This pen is my blood and the paper is my flesh

This is my world

Nobody can tell me what to say, how to think, or how to feel

I’m not soft, or gay; not a *****

I can cry all day if I want too

I’m my own man and ill stand my ground for what I believe in

First thing I want to say I miss you daddy

But when you came over last summer I was 20 years old

I still hated you for what you put me, my brother, and my mom through

I wondered to myself how she could forgive you after all you did

You weren’t really there for me growing up because you were drunk

You made me feel worthless with your words of encouragement

When I was 9 years old why did

You always compare me to the other kids?

Wasn’t I good enough just being your son?

If I’m your favorite why when I didn’t know something or disappointed you, hitting me was your only option?

Wasn’t I smart enough for you?

Why couldn’t I watch cartoons when I was over your house at 10 years old were I too immature for you?

Do you know that I still watch cartoons now at 21?

Am I being childish for enjoying the amusement from it?

My brother thinks I am but he’s holding on to the past

Sometimes I watch TV to escape my problems

And some things I do not want to talk about because it’s too hard for me to express my true feelings

And I tend to judge myself really quickly I don’t think I have to say doesn’t matter because my needs wont be met, because people just don’t care I am always second place, if I try to change that I’ll be acting selfish to my friends and family, plus they just don’t understand me so I am like ***** it why does it matter and I develop a not give a **** attitude towards the situation

What can I do

I can’t change people’s opinions about me?

That’s why I write instead of speaking my thoughts

I can gather my scrambled up emotions together

Because If I say exactly what’s on my mind most likely it going to be negative and hurtful or sometimes my accent gets in the way and I get frustrated and I loose my temper because I’m sensitive so usually I hold stuff on the inside

Until I

Explode with anger and I end up feeling misunderstood

And people think I’m crazy

And I have to apologize for my actions

That’s ****** up

I can’t be nice all the time

I deserve to be heard and seen in my family

But the way that you and mom raised me to never be disrespectful to my parents or other adults

But I’m so angry

I wish that you were a better father

Maybe my child hood would have felt less isolated

But I sit here in this cold hard corner in my

Mind

I might as well be locked up in a cage

With nothing but stale bread and water to eat

I used to starve myself from food and love

For myself growing up

I

Thought that I deserved to feel like dirt

I am a bad child that cursed his peer’s everyday

Because I felt different and I couldn’t speak English clearly

But my brothers had no problems fitting in

I never had real friends they either backstabbed me or they only wanted me for my money

My mom couldn’t really be there for me because she had to work during the weekdays

Maybe I was being to clingy but what do you expect

When people you love either leave you or let you down all the time

Plus I was separated from my mom for 4 years

She and my

Grandmother were the only ones there for me

When you were absent from your responsibility

But they couldn’t teach me how to be a man

I wish that someone would have told me growing that I’m ok to just being myself

I can cry and if I make a mistake I shouldn’t beat myself up

Don’t be mad at yourself or your life, you’re not a loser,

And you’re not Gay for being sensitive or compassionate,

Love yourself first no matter what bad things people say about you you’re a good person and you’re not crazy

Go get whatever you want in life

(Shannon) you can have anything or anyone if you try hard even if you fall a 100 times

Just because you don’t get things done as fast as other people doesn’t mean that you’re slow or weak

Dad you should have been there by my side

Telling me all those things but you’re not here

When I speak to you on the phone I don’t listen to you not just because I want to be stubborn but because I don’t trust myself enough to embrace your love and your advice



I always second guess your words to see if they’re genuine

Because I’ve been hurt so much that I don’t know who to Trust?

Sometimes I don’t act myself because I’m always worried about what other people think

Wondering if they like me for me or what I have sometimes

I’d bend over backwards so I can make people happy



Now I consistently analyze people’s words and actions to see if it’s an act.

Dad I need your help can you give me another chance to forgive you and other people for hurting me?

Its hardest things for me to do

I’m scared that if I let go how things are going to change

Will anyone I know be there to catch my wondering soul?

If I release this control I think I have over my life will happiness come knocking at my door?

Will I finally find out what love is?

Then maybe I’ll love myself and my life?

Should I take a leap of Faith?



I love you dad please forgive me

So I can forgive myself

Thank you.

Written By
© Shannon Pollard