I am a terrible friend

I forgot
to tell my friend happy birthday
the day before
because I wouldn't see her
on the day of her birthday

I was too stuck in my own head
that I forgot
another friend's cousin died
today was the funeral

I barely know what's going on
with friends who
used to be so close
but are now distant memories

I'm never around
the reasons being my own
and now
nobody cares to tell me anything

I'm so ****** at myself
and yet
I can't help but
know that there's ways
to reach me
other than in person
but nobody cares enough
to do so

I don't know
if it's my fault or theirs

Yes I'm scarcely seen
in the flesh
anymore
but I have a phone, email,
hell they know where I live

So why doesn't anyone
contact me?

Why am I being
left out in the cold?

Why have I become
a distant memory?

What am I supposed to do?
All these thoughts
race through my head
and yet I can't catch a single one

I can't help but
let these thoughts drown me
and hope for relief