It’s been nine months since my father died.
30 days spent bed side
Attentive and witness to the process

Raining on the day he passed
Grey and appropriate.

I didn’t know him very well
The way one wishes to

Growing up, a check in the mail
An awkward holiday meeting
Family seen once every few years
Forced acquaintance

But, that’s not how I wish it were.

Stories of wars fought
Shot down planes
Old loves
Sage advice
Comfort in the notion of family
All absent in my childhood

I was 17 when I graduated
Asking you to drive from Boston
An attempt at a shared experience

But, I sent you home without seeing it.

This is the day it turns around
Diner conversations
Coating the table in emotions
Truths of how I felt about you
and a need to move on
Teetering on the precipice of adulthood

There we were
A clean slate and a chance to begin again.

For twelve years we tried
Honest attempts to find out about each other
Learning similarities along the way
New coats of paint on old doors
Slowly opening as if not to wake anyone.

In the end, I was there
A shared struggle
Trust in a sense of family
Morphine bags and remote controls
Skin and bones
Grey eyes and silence.