the thought of laying down and stopping everything in my head
easily,
just sounds way too good
just looks way too good
it’s not until i am thoroughly exhausted that it creeps up
on me finally

because
i remember mornings as a little girl
the smell of bacon and eggs
my grandpa’s voice
the old van my dad used to drive around town
my polka dot dress getting torn from the berry trees in the garden
why do these things still haunt me?
why are these the things i think of most when you are fast asleep beside me?

i remember my mother shielding the homemade apple pie from me
and saying no no no to all the things my hands wanted
an icecream cone from the freezer
a cookie from the side of the refrigerator
a candy from the container but she said
no no no before dinner, and i would
wait

i feel like that little girl now
grabbing for sleep constantly
i just keep grabbing
grabbing and grabbing and someone
keeps shielding it from me, with gentle motherly hands,

saying no no no
and i wait
and i wait
and i wait until my eyelids become so heavy
i feel like i might know what death
could taste like