I need you to know:
every emotion,
every thought
because maybe if you hear it all
then the pain might disperse around each and every word
so the impact doesn’t feel like a shot to the chest
and I am sorry.

I love you.
How do you need to hear the words,
“but I am not in love with you anymore?”
How do I tell you that you’re my best friend.
I want you, need you in my life
but I think I’m being selfish?
I want you but not in the way that you want me
and what if that destroys you?
I want to protect your heart like my own
though you no longer hold it
and I am sorry.

When my therapist told me that I was already done from the looks of it,
I told her I would give anything to be in love with you like I’m supposed to be.
That’s who I am.
No.
I guess that’s who I was.
The girl who fell in love with her knight in shining armor
pulling her out of the black hole that was her own mind,
she no longer exists.
I am not her though she still lives in me.
The girl who fell in love with you would have taken this as a chance to draw in red,
but the girl I am now knows to wait only an hour and the yearning could be gone
though she still craves the silver poison fusing to her skin.
The girl who used to live in the recesses of my mind thought she could only live for you
but the girl holding the pen now knows she writes her own story and can live for herself.
My darling, you taught me how to live,
you breathed life into the caverns of my chest.
I never want to hurt you like I have been hurt
and I am so sorry.

Is it fair to tell you that I am not in love
but I believe with all my soul that if we are each other’s forever’s
then a few short months won’t matter.
I know it.
But I need this time to decide who I am without defining myself using your name.
I go off to a world filled with drowned out voices inside of a world built with books
while you are in a movie filmed between the bricks moved by your brothers before you,
served with orders to fulfill only more orders.
While I kiss the shoes of briefcase holding royalty,
you avoid eye contact with the gaze in front of your sweat drenched face.
I can’t tell you this because you used to say that you would come back for me,
so who will you return for if I’m not there?
I am so scared,
and I am sorry.

And now there’s a guilt weighing on my chest like I’ve never felt
and I think I may be bringing the black hole back myself so you can be my knight again
because maybe if I hate myself,
more love will be reserved for you.
And maybe that’s the reason I want to pick up this flame
and hold it next to my flesh to feel the pain of being burned by what you love.
And maybe it’s the reason I crave the cool, punishing preciosity of steel.
I know it now.
When I’m sad, I’m unbearable to be around
but when I’m happy, I don’t need you.
The trick is-
I want to need you,
which I guess means that
I
want
to
be
unhappy.
And I am sorry.

I don’t know how these words help you
except to show that I need to be alone.
I’m the problem
and problems are meant to be isolated and conquered.
I think there’s something broken inside me
so that I cannot love properly,
and I am sorry.

I want you to be my forever but for some reason I know that forever doesn’t start right now
so what do I tell my right now when our future seems conditional
only upon who we will grow to be in this next season of our lives?
And what if I never get to hold my forever
because these unsure hands held on too tightly to you?
I am so confused,
and I am sorry.

I’ve always clung to justice
but how is it fair to break your heart
when I am only breathing because you restored a beat to my chest?
I don’t know how to cushion these words but
we owe it to the people we will be in a short time to give them the best chance at love
and a life they couldn’t dream of now.
And I am sorry.