i wait and wait and wait and wait

and wait
i sit with skinned knees turned up toward the fluid membrane of the sky

wait

my mouth is supposed to be a pretty pink like you drew me out to be

it's a devastating gray

waiting waiting

how may fingers do i have to count on before you come back to me

stop stop

i don't beg for anyone

except for the voice in my head to
SHUT
UP

i told myself that beauty is subjective

i want to be subjective

stopping

blood flows through the space behind my eyes
i can't see any color but a brilliant red

shut up

how high do i have to jump before the force of the landing breaks both my legs?

my heart beats to no one but the idea that I am superior

do i have the capacity to hate myself?

no