I keep spilling things, im too messed up to keep my hands steady and too ****** up to keep my mouth closed and in knocking our furniture and its so ******* messed up, no im so ******* messed up.
you don't even cry anymore and im sure as tired of hearing us yell and im so sorry, i wish I could handle it and I wish I could just go back and I cant I ****, and I know you hate me and I just need to know what to do, and all this madness is just bleeding me dry and  im SO tired of the fighting, but it's  more with myself now and not with you even though all we do is argue all the time and I cant even give you what you need, I can't give you what you say and I can't apologize enough for this gaping whole in my head that keeps ******* me in, but I'll keep the blame on me. ok. I'll keep my hands around my eyes wondering just like I always do, at least it's not your fault this time right.
but I keep wondering when can I get out of this. when can I get up and leave and why can't I figure this out, and maybe the answer is never. you don't even care anymore but it's ok...
i mean is it? is it ok if I just stay.
is it ok if i just let this happen to me, can I just sleep it away, will you be here when I wake up? please tell me you'll be here still, you keep telling me to go to bed and by now you know I'm so disrupted. I'm so adictive, so ******* addicted to my own pain, I just need to be hanging on by a thread to feel some sort of sick satisfaction and I know you're done with that. God you're so done with me. I'm sorry. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep this up. I keep drinking and drinking, and the pain never quenches the thirst, im sorry I'm such a wreck
I'll give up on me too.