I can feel it.
Ticking,
Counting down the seconds,
Minutes, hours,
Days, weeks,
Years, decades
Of the minor insignificant preamble to death that is my life.
I am responsible for this bomb.
I built the entire thing myself.
I let them fool me.
I let them play with my mind,
As if it were a ball being carelessly kicked and tossed
Through a field of lies and victimization.
I am the victim of my own bomb.
The only one strapped to it.
Trying day after day to escape its fatal clutch,
Yet clinging to it with dear life.
I need the bomb.
It gives me hope.
Hope that this will all be over.
Hope that none of this really matters,
That life is nothing but a preparation for death.
I hate the bomb.
It creates fear in me.
Fear that I am but a minor proton in the body of the world.
Fear that I am the target of all of humanity’s evil.
It makes me forget why I am here,
Why I keep going on every day.
I forget about my bomb squad.
I forget about all the things diffusing my bomb.
I forget to seize the day
And decrease the weight of other people’s bombs.