Apr 2015
Have you ever just spent almost an entire day just thinking about what it must be like for people who have brains that function properly? Like what is it like to be able to make a decision without feeling anxious or to talk to someone without feeling like you're going to faint? I don't get how people can do things like that. Or how not to think about the things or people that make you anxious. How not to feel like you're going to throw up when you hear his name or like your air has been stolen from you when you see him. Or how thinking one thing can ruin your entire day but you think it 24/7 so you're pretty much ****** for having a good day- and sure, some days are better than others but there's still that nagging in the back of your head that you aren't good enough and maybe you won't ever be and you just have to accept that. And the pit in your stomach just keeps getting bigger and bigger and you wish it would swallow you whole.
Or even when you just wake up and for a minute you're confused and you aren't really thinking about anything, like you're given a blank slate, and then all of a sudden it's like reality pulls up out of nowhere and hits you like a train of never ending darkness and just general emptiness; and you feel like you're going to feel like this forever and there's no point in doing anything because it's all meaningless anyway. You feel like you'll be alone forever and no one will ever take the time to get to know who you are on the inside because you're not worth anyone's time- and yet, you don't blame them for feeling that way because you don't want to know yourself either. It's like you're trapped inside a body that looks like you but you never really feel like who you're looking at in the mirror is who you really are or who you want to be, and I think that's one of the most painful feelings, not being able to look at yourself without feeling disappointed.
Then after a while, it's not even a wave of disappointment anymore, it's like the wave came out of nowhere and got in your eyes and in your lungs and you aren't choking on despair anymore, you're drowning in it; and there isn't anything you can do to save yourself so you just drift to rock bottom. You get tangled amongst the seaweed where everything that could/would have been lurks and it won't let you go so you don't either and you stay and watch as each "what if" scenario floods your thoughts. It's almost like no matter how much you try to pick yourself up, you always feel let down in the end and eventually you stop trying because there's no point in trying to fight off how you're feeling anymore. You just run out of energy and become so exhausted that you can't even function properly anymore- and you just become so empty and heartless because you just stop caring about everything. Then you end up pushing everyone away out of fear and wonder why no one is there; until you realize it's been you all along. You just can't stand having anyone too close to you and yet that's all you've ever wanted, but you've convinced yourself that you'll just get hurt and no one is worth the risk. And yet you still try to convince yourself that maybe there is someone out there for you but the days drag on and it's turns into years passing you by and soon it will be 2030 and you'll still be saying the exact same thing because you haven't changed and your hopes are still as high as ever. You'll sit alone in your apartment and stare out the window watching the sun set and think maybe the sky is your one true love. Maybe you won't feel so alone. After all look how much it has to offer. But it's not the same. It's never the same. He's still on your mind and you're still alone. You'll always be alone. And as you sit in your apartment trying desperately to fall in love with the sky and pretending your feelings are reciprocated- you suddenly start to hear something that at first sounds like soft music but when you actually tune into the static, you realize it's the sounds of his voice echoing off the walls all around you- and it envelopes you, drags you away from your perfect sky and surfaces you in your memories. And even though your head is above the water, what you're watching: all the things you said to each other; all the laughs; all the kisses; all the smiles- are enough to make you feel like you're struggling to breathe all over again.
Or even when you just wake up and for a minute you're confused and you aren't really thinking about anything, like you're given a blank slate, and then all of a sudden it's like reality pulls up out of nowhere and hits you like a train of never ending darkness and just general emptiness; and you feel like you're going to feel like this forever and there's no point in doing anything because it's all meaningless anyway. You feel like you'll be alone forever and no one will ever take the time to get to know who you are on the inside because you're not worth anyone's time- and yet, you don't blame them for feeling that way because you don't want to know yourself either. It's like you're trapped inside a body that looks like you but you never really feel like who you're looking at in the mirror is who you really are or who you want to be, and I think that's one of the most painful feelings, not being able to look at yourself without feeling disappointed.
Then after a while, it's not even a wave of disappointment anymore, it's like the wave came out of nowhere and got in your eyes and in your lungs and you aren't choking on despair anymore, you're drowning in it; and there isn't anything you can do to save yourself so you just drift to rock bottom. You get tangled amongst the seaweed where everything that could/would have been lurks and it won't let you go so you don't either and you stay and watch as each "what if" scenario floods your thoughts. It's almost like no matter how much you try to pick yourself up, you always feel let down in the end and eventually you stop trying because there's no point in trying to fight off how you're feeling anymore. You just run out of energy and become so exhausted that you can't even function properly anymore- and you just become so empty and heartless because you just stop caring about everything. Then you end up pushing everyone away out of fear and wonder why no one is there; until you realize it's been you all along. You just can't stand having anyone too close to you and yet that's all you've ever wanted, but you've convinced yourself that you'll just get hurt and no one is worth the risk. And yet you still try to convince yourself that maybe there is someone out there for you but the days drag on and it's turns into years passing you by and soon it will be 2030 and you'll still be saying the exact same thing because you haven't changed and your hopes are still as high as ever. You'll sit alone in your apartment and stare out the window watching the sun set and think maybe the sky is your one true love. Maybe you won't feel so alone. After all look how much it has to offer. But it's not the same. It's never the same. He's still on your mind and you're still alone. You'll always be alone. And as you sit in your apartment trying desperately to fall in love with the sky and pretending your feelings are reciprocated- you suddenly start to hear something that at first sounds like soft music but when you actually tune into the static, you realize it's the sounds of his voice echoing off the walls all around you- and it envelopes you, drags you away from your perfect sky and surfaces you in your memories. And even though your head is above the water, what you're watching: all the things you said to each other; all the laughs; all the kisses; all the smiles- are enough to make you feel like you're struggling to breathe all over again.
